"So, you've left Australia..now what?"

Lack of me

2010-02-19T07:20:00.000-08:00

When was the last time I wrote? 16th January. Wow - it's been over a month.

You could say that's a long time, though that's only based on perspective. To you, that's not that long. But to me, it seems like years. This whole month has definitely been an interesting ride. There's so much that's happened. But I don't want to recount today. No, I choose not to - there's no point in retelling a story that's not going to change the way people think. I call it Mundane but - rest assured, I'll just keep quiet about it.

I've finished semester one already, and I am two days from starting semester two. I feel ready. I've learnt a lot. You wouldn't think I have by looking at all my activities, but I have definitely learnt a lot. And you know, all it took was just one phone call. Sometimes, we often forget what we've learnt, and we just need something to remind us about it. But I'm ready, I'm definitely ready to tackle on the upcoming semester with a new spirit, empty marks and a new view.

"A new view". Yes, that is exactly what I wrote. A new view. The whole first semester was simply an act of adaptation; of touching the new ground, feeling the dirt, and remembering where all the mines lay ahead. Now that it's all coming to a start and stop again, I feel more prepared now.

But after all this crap. After all the new stationery, the new timetable schedule, the new outlook, there's one more thing you can't forget to bring: yourself. No I don't mean in a physical sense I mean - you need to be make sure that you walk and breathe knowing exactly who you are. Why is this important? Simply put, you won't get lost. 'Cause let me tell you, I've had my fair share of trouble because of this - this lack of me. You wouldn't expect me to be in that situation but yes - it happened. And you know, it wasn't anyone's fault, and there's no real quantified explanation for it, it just took place. Especially when you're living in a place that's as conforming and mundane as Jakarta. I'm not sure if you've ever felt it before, but living here - it just takes everything that's different out of you and throws it into the massive garbage pile. I can remember at one point feeling so darn empty. I didn't feel like an individual, it felt strange.

So heed this warning if ever you arrive to this unfortunate location of self-conflict. Remember who you are. Just remember who you are. That's all you need to do. I don't know how you do it. I called up a friend of seven years, and suddenly I just knew myself again. I guess that's one way. Find your old journal, your old achievements, your old passions. It's not really an act of re-liivng, but an act of reminisce. There's never the same person twice, and if there is then someone's not being themselves. All I want you to do is just - wherever you are, whoever you're with - don't forget yourself. And more importantly, don't let anyone ever stop you from achieving your own definition. Because that is probably the most important luxury, especially when you live in the dead town of Jakarta.

You. It's all You.

Re-read

2010-01-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

Something happened a few days ago. And everything started from there.

The new year opened with no more than a few remarks and empty days. I can tell everyday's getting alittle bit faster and easier. I can see how much I've settled in this difficult city. I say difficult because I don't think I will ever find it easy to live over here in Indonesia. There's always something pushing you back, whether it'd be the people, the lack of sidewalks, the imminent danger. At least I can safely say that I feel more comfortable than I did last year. I'm starting to feel comfortable in indonesia, I really did not expect this.

Do we go on living like this? Is this how it's all meant to come about? Because very often I look at myself and at the words that I'm writing, and - they weren't as exciting as they used to be. There was one night, where I went and opened just a single page and once I read that single word, I couldn't stop. The song played on repeat, and there I was sitting down, reading all these words that wrote to myself.

I wrote them all for myself you know? I wrote these journals for myself. And to be honest, I don't really understand why I continue to do it. Maybe its the reminisce. Maybe it's the satisfaction of the past. But I think - it's the part where you read all these arrangements, and think to yourself "it couldn't have happened any other way". Maybe that's it. This proclamation of acceptance, of what it is, not what it could've been. I'm glad that everything happened the way it did. Because I look back and - I don't see anything that I could've done better. There's always a time for everything, and it all happened in perfect time, this perfect rhythm.

But ever since then, the notion of being somewhere else has pondered me. Now I'm starting to think about Australia again, and - I feel like I shouldn't. Because everything's just about to feel okay, I'm just starting to sit down, why I do I feel like standing up and moving again? This is what I mean - I'm such a restless person! I can never feel like I'm standing still. I just won't allow myself to do that. And so, this feeling of restlessness is tearing at me now.

I don't look at at what I've read and feel like wanting to come back to those moments. I look at them and feel like wanting to come back to make more, and write them all down.

But I don't understand why - why Australia? Why can't it take place here as well?

2009 in Playlist format

2009-12-31T08:29:00.000-08:00

A series of songs - both sentimental and painful, which reveal the times of one being swept against the current, and slowly finding yourself onto another shore

Don't Stop Believin' - Glee Cast
Best for Last - Adele
The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
Wheel - John Mayer
Growing Up Beside You - Paolo Nutini
Dengarkan Curhatku - Vierra
Water And A Flame - Daniel Merriweather Featuring Adele
Postcript (Milk OST) - Danny Elfman
Earth - Imogen Heap
Who Says - John Mayer
Wasted - Angus and Julia Stone
XR2 - M.I.A
This Modern Love - Bloc Party
I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free - Nina Simone
Party In The USA - Miley Cyrus
Hot Air Balloon - Owl City
Losing Touch - The Killers
Bulletproof - La Roux
Gone In The Morning - Newton Faulkner
Faust Arp - Radiohead

The Summary

2009-12-31T07:18:00.000-08:00

I just read Isrien's wonderful and touching post, her last post of 2009. I hope she doesn't mind, but I just loved the way she wrote - hope you don't mind Isrien but I'm gonna appropriate.

2009. (In the tradition of Isrien Suharto)

It felt quiet, for me it did. Alot has happened in 2009, but they were all correlated against this notion of leaving. That's because in February I had to face worst and leave my only place of solitude and comfort: Australia. But as much as it all became the end of many things, it all opened many beginnings. For one thing I wouldn't have made this blog if I didn't leave. I wouldn't have been able to see many things actually. I guess when you're comfortable, you're almost blind. Blind to a possibility where you take everything in and you take them for granted, when everything else happens outside.

I left many people. I basically left a part of myself, that's what it felt like when I walked past the immigration watching them say goodbye, and immediately shower me with farewell texts. And I guess this year, was also a year of searching, of finding that absence that came about when I watched the Australian shores go further and further away from me. The entire year was this constant thirst - this constant search for something.

I still haven't found it. You probably expected me to find all that from my family, but in actual fact - it made the hole alot more deeper. I don't know them. I still feel comfortable being around them. And when I heard how others actually don't believe such a radical context exists - I guess I personify that. But the entire year I've been spending time with my mum and dad, which is great - I can tell this is one of the reasons why I was meant to leave Australia. Because I look at them - and as much as they try to hide it - you can really tell how much they long to have that rare picture of family in front of them. And that happened this year, when Pruni came to visit. It was probably the most beautiful congregation of the decade: of an entirely distant family sitting in one room and laughing about something stupid.

I went and made friends. Though I've met many people, with enough filtering, only a few reside as the ones I actually call friends. Some are amazing people, some are frightening. But nonetheless, they have all helped me pass through time. Friends provide you a sense of numbness, natural morphine for the soul. And I think that's how I got through this entire year; I had enough dosage for me to live through it.

For many of my friends who've just left high school, 2009 was a year of outbreak. Like little children being pushed into the brutality that is life. It happened to me, except - I had the supplement of being culture shocked by the most intrusive, shallow and dry country I've ever lived. It's so hard to live in Indonesia. You smile, you're a target. You speak, and you're hypnotised. You give an opinion, you're ridiculed. And because of that, 2009's been hard for me. It's hard to be yourself when being yourself is dangerous, more or less.

But having said that, I'm glad I went through all that trouble. I'm glad it was difficult - because now that I look back, I feel proud of myself. I feel more stronger. This year, I ended up in the worst place to be right now - but I'm getting by, and there's been moments where I am happy.

2009 made me strong. The year made me open my eyes more. Suddenly I'm seeing the world, and it's not as far as I thought it would be.

And finally, 2009 made me strong because I learnt about love, in all its pain and beauty. I know what it feels like, I know what it feels like to have someone return it to you. And I know what it feels like to leave it all behind you, even if you're ready or not. I'm glad all that happened. That was probably the happiest time for me in the entire decade. But as black and white as it all feels like, there's always the grey. And sometimes - it's not because it's all one way - it's not because one's more heavier than the other - sometimes the world and its holy orchestrations, just separate the two, no matter what. You can either thrive on the ghost of hope or accept the realisation. And now, I'm at a point where it's okay, I think. I'll get by, with or without -

So.

2010.

A new decade as Isrien exclaimed. To me, it's like turning to a new empty double-fold off my moleskine journal. You can't see anything behind, there's nothing up front. You're staring at this one present moment. That's how I'm going to take on each year, page by page. And of course, I'll keep on writing. Writing has been such a saviour to my life that it's become too tight to leave. Next year, now that I've left my comfort, I've acclaimed a sense of courage, a feeling that's enough for me to go about and explore and learn.

But I still call Australia my home. And there's no way the story's finished. I'll come back. I'll come back, and I'll be happy and I'll breathe like everything's okay and - I'll feel it all again, somehow.

I hope you all do the same. I hope you all turn the page with me, as we both head onto a new road, and a new decade.

Thanks 2009. I can tackle the '10 now.

breathe, breathe damn it!

2009-12-18T06:18:00.001-08:00

There's a reason why breaks are meant to exist. There's a reason why there's always a chance for us to take a breather, stand still for moment, and wait before we have to keep on running for it.

THINK!

I need to stop, think - and really deregulate everything i've done and moved and start doing things abit differently. Yeah - that's what this is all for. It's almost like a new start really. Today I cleaned up my dorm, which felt good. Even though I had to clean everything, toilets and all, I didn't care. It felt good. Coz now it's clean and I'm fuckin' proud of myself! Actually takes me back to my days in Australia when weekly chores featured cleaning toilet tubes and wooden floors. So I'm used to it. Which is good. For me especially.

This is all a breather entry. The coming holidays - are a chance for me to get back into shape, reinvigorate - restructure! :D But seriously, I gotta change the way I've been tackling things, I mean - it's that same old procrastination that's still resonant. Why can't it go away? I would've thought that maybe it would just get out of me after HSC but I guess not. Maybe we're all meant to be lazy. Or maybe in everyone of us, there's always this small spark of inertia waiting - and if we don't do anything about it, it'll feed itself and turn us into stone. I'm not gonna let that happen. No way.

I've got alot of work to do. I'll list them - but briefly, because you of all people don't deserve such pain.

ML (Make Love/Management and Leadership) Project: Massive project, and it's a team one but I'm in charge of starting it, and I'm not doing a good job with that. C'mon Pigar I can totally write this passion of a letter!
Economics: MICRO-Economics I might add. That Micro just says it all doesn't it? I've got lots of chapters to catch up on. Best start: READ THE DAMN TEXTBOOK PIG!
ASHOKA: that sounds like a yell doesn't it. The way Aussies say "COOO-EEE!" - "ASHOOOKA!". More work, I can remember the guy said "Make it fun". Can systematic processing be fun. I guess I should try. TRY IT!!!

Well that's it. Those three chapters of witty sorrows. I hope I can get through them, really get through them - that way everything will be just a tad okay. It's hard - but I can make it.

If you're reading this now, please - if you don't believe in God just try yeah - PRAY FOR ME!

Anything can Happen

2009-12-17T03:50:00.000-08:00

Wow. I haven't written in a long time. Not that it matters or anything but still - it totally displays my lack of commitment. Then again, don't expect me to have so much of that. Can you believe it? It's already December, and even he's starting to die out. Pretty soon the new double digit new year's coming - 2010.

Whenever the end of year comes, there's always a change in the air. Something's different, you start to feel abit more poignant towards everything. Well firstly you'd definitely start to feel just a tad contemplative. Contemplative in a sense that - you're in this presence where everything you've done, everything you've seen, has brought you into this place December, where all you feel like doing is wait for it to tick, 2010, fresh start.

But I feel abit different. I know this might sound abit stupid or reckless, but -

I'm scared. I'm scared about next year.

Why?

Because, of all the things that I've learnt this year - one of them is that anything can happen. Anything. I didn't expect to be where I am. I really didn't think I'd be living in Indonesia, living in this grey city with my mum and dad. I didn't that so many things could happen in such a rush, that when you're past it, you never realise the scars until further on. Anything can happen. One moment you'll be here, the next you won't. One minute you'll have a friend, the next minute you won't. I mean - don't you find that scary? And I only just felt the words this year.

Anything can happen. And now that I've learnt all that, I'm scared about next year - I mean, everything that could've happened the wrong way with me this year, happened this year. Murphy's Law took place and now here I am, living in probably one of the most struggling cities in the world.

I just hope that next year won't be as bad. I want every year to just keep on getting better and better and better, the way traditional disney movie goes, the way dreamers live upon. God, please - don't make next year be so challenging - for once I'd like to stay in shallow waters, a slow and calm ripple of a life.

But I hope something happens next year, - much like what happened this year with me moving to Indonesia and all. I want something like that, but good. Really good, something I won't expect.

To be honest, I'm just waiting. And I'll probably wait for a long time but I don't care, I don't mind. I'll wait.

I'll wait.

Trying to find my signature

2009-11-26T03:38:00.001-08:00

It's all starting to feel quicker now. Which is good right, the quicker it is - the more consistent - hence, routine is there! Well it's good actually. I miss having a routine. I guess it's good though to have one, makes life go faster - when you want it to. Today was a tiring day for me. Oh - wait - I gotta tell ya something.

I PASSED MY MATHS EXAM! :D

Yeah I know. I can't believe it either. I am so unbelievably happy right now. I can't believe I passed. I mean - I'm not very good at maths. All my friends know it, I know it. And so when my professor gave me the results - I was shocked. Oh praise the world, there really is a God. And He's TOTALLY helping me right now.

I feel tired. Tampered. Parched. It's that feeling where you feel like all this is getting just a tad bit too heavy for you. The laptop's probably helping - gosh, my mac's so heavy! Well I should tell you that everything's been going quite smoothly actually. And I like it. I mean - last night I went and read some of my past entries from February, just days after I arrived here in Indonesia. And I was so worried about my life here, about my friends, about what's gonna happen. Well, I look at that against where I am now - and it's totally different. Which is good, different for the better. I'm enjoying my time here abit more than I used to. And I think it's all because of this routine.

I like it. Having routine - helps life become more steady and stable. But you know what - that question that every uni-interview seems to feature all the time, the whole "where do u see yourself in * years?". I still can't answer it properly.

I think they noticed it. I went for an interview today. It was a pretty strange and sponto interview actually. Right after I had my NGO meeting my head of faculty called me up and asked me to partake in this interview. I rocked up, and it was a selection process. THey were searching for someone to represent Binus AND Indonesia in this United Nations MDG (Millenium Development Goals) conference held in Manila, Philippines. And I guess they put me in as a candidate. Now, this was TOTALLY random okay? I didn't expect this whatsoever.

So I did the interview. They asked me about leadership experience, I told them about being Vice Captain in Randwick Boys and all that. They asked me about the UN MDG, which - initially - I had NO idea about whatsoever. They thought I had an idea about it and I just went and replied "look. I'll be honest, I'm sorry - but I have no idea what that is". But I know now. A list of 8 goals, achievements, ideals for the future development of the representing countries. That was hard to answer.

But you know what was the hardest? It was when one of them asked me:

Where do you see yourself doing in 5 years?

Can you answer that? Like seriously - can u answer that. The question seems to be around everything, I guess - they think that the answer we make somewhat outlines and defines the actions that we make today. But I swear to God - I can't answer that question.

I don't know what I'm gonna be in 5 years. I don't even know where I'm gonna be in 5 years. I mean - I don't even know what I'm good at. I don't even know what I wanna do with my life. Which sucks - even my mum realised this too. So what now then? When I answered it - I was going around in circles, and I think - I think they noticed. Well it doesn't matter. But really. I've tried answering that question to myself plenty of times and there' one thing that's certain: it's all blurry. I mean - I don't have any idea where I wanna be. But all I'm sure of - is that in 5 years, in 2 or 3 or 10 - whatever - I just wanna be happy.

I wanna be happy. And I wanna do something with my life. I wanna make use of it. I've got friends who from a young age already have this passion to become something. An actor, or a singer - or even a doctor. Whatever. But I mean -

I never had that. I never had that miraculous epiphany...why? I haven't the slightest idea. That's why - I'm still trying to find out now what I wanna do.

And you know what - A few days ago I went to the bank to get back my ATM and I learnt that - I'm still trying to find my signature too. Everytime I do it, it's always different. Hey, I'm sorry - But I just can't help but correlate this to my psychotic state of self-identity. Yepo, I'm feeling the same way Rosencrantz and Guildernstern felt. Who do I wanna be?...

Ask yourself that question. If you've got an answer, then good for you. Now go and help the people who don't.

Sitting Together

2009-11-18T04:38:00.001-08:00

Currently playing in iTunes: Gone In the Morning by Newton Faulkner

Finally, exams are over. Tommorow I return back to normal classes. Dang, so much for that holiday. What holiday? Exactly.

God it's so cold in here. I'm at Starbucks at the moment. It's around 7:19PM and I'm gonna stay here until 8:30PM. So - that's just over an hour. I don't like leaving around this time. Peak hour here (both for the automotive and for the civil) starts between 5 til around 8. Which - sounds pretty normal actually now that I think about it. But I just can't help remembering the bus schedule over in Australia, peak hour - 5 to 6. I mean, not that long. I guess there must be some connection between peak hour and population proportion.

Yesterday Pruni, Harry and Audria arrived from Australia. Yes - Australia. It was actually really interesting. I mean when I walked in - wow - Harry's there - then arrived Pruni with an assortment of gifts. Thanks Pruni. Fossil Watch. Moleskine. Book and Shirt. The next morning (4AM specifically) I saw Audria. My god Audria's so big now. It's crazy. I can remember when she was just a small little newborn crying until her face was red everyday. Now she's holding Harry's iPhone going "Quack quack. ABC. Quack Quack. ABC" - Her two most favourite Elmo videos off Youtube. The new Youth is here.

BUt I wanna tell you something. My favourite part wasn't the Moleskine, or the fossil watch. It was my sister sitting down on the sofa, with me beside, and mum and dad are near us. We're laughing, chatting, ordinary conversation. But what makes it all extraordinary is that we're all here together. To think that a family could just sit down, around this congregation. We're all sitting down together. It's so strange. No wait - not strange, just really rare. This would probably be the whole golden moment of our lives.

This is my family. We grew up against distance. We all talked through phones. We've all lived further and further away from each other. But it never stopped us. And as soon as we reunite, the rarity becomes the ending that will never get any better. Nothing will be as perfect as this: of us sitting together, watching each other talk and live.

Numb

2009-11-14T19:12:00.001-08:00

Currently playing in iTunes: Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer

It's been a long time. I haven't written in such a long time I mean. Sunday morning, the nice blue sky, the perfect early winds that usually die out during the arvo. You know something, it's been really really busy for me. And I'm not saying that out of defence - It's just. When you're busy, you start to lose things; your vision gets blurry, really blurry, blurry to a point where it's just almost impossible to really focus on things, differentiate them. Quite often for me, when I start t get busy, or when all this work take over me, I feel complacent. Sedated. Numb.

That's what I'm feeling now. Numb. It's just this weakness - I mean, I've felt it before believe me but - I mean. This time, I don't think it's just because of the work. It's also because of the city as well. Jakarta. Honestly, I reckon this is why no one outside smiles. I mean, I totally understand it now, they're all feeling so - weak towards anything else besides work. That's what happens, because - that's what Jakarta's for really. Work. I don't see anything else. I don't see peace, I certainly don't see any recreation. You see a park, right next to it there's a garbage pile. I think Jakarta's made me feel this way. But that doesn't mean that I'm gonna live by it and put up with it.

This sedated feeling happened to me when I was in Australia. Though, only when I was at home. When I was at school, everything was so lively and I absolutely enjoyed it - But when home arrived to reach me, well - it just came about. Home was quite depressing actually, I hated it. Thats why I always tried every excuse to go out - I made myself reasons actually. I know, that's no good..well - no use trying to change what's already happened. But nonetheless, it was a feeling that I did not like.

So I gotta change myself. I need motivation, yeah - that's what I need eh? And I gotta try to make my life more enjoyable because it's currently just making this sad, SAD picture. I feel bored. I gotta turn things around. Jakarta's just - no fun. I gotta make my life more fun. The way Summer did.

OH! (500) Days of Summer. That movie is absolutely brilliant. Really - just - WOW. I mean, I totally did not expect the movie to just hit me. but it did. And man - what a punch. I dunno about you guys, but with movies, I often learn from them. People say you shouldn't. I remember hearing "It's total fiction. It's all made up!". But I think - And now I'm saying this out of defence - but everything that's fiction, whether it's overwhelming or true to home, it call came from this one real picture, the truth. Nothing is truly fictional. So - I'm sorry if I'm gonna sound like a hopeless case but, there was a lot that I learnt from that movie. Life is made up by coincidences. There IS such a thing as fate and destiny. And it's made me even more sure of it. And it's made me realise - that in life, whatever happens, is meant to happen. So if some bad thing happens to us - we probably deserve it. And when we find someone - then I guess - well, there's always the right time for everything. EVERYTHING!

Anyway. I should leave it at that. I've got my maths exam - FUCK - on Tuesday. I'm scared. Wish me luck yeah. Okay - that's it. Gonna eat my Mie Goreng, and then - take a shower - and then go see my cousins.

The Same Way She Left

2009-11-06T08:57:00.001-08:00

So she's sitting there, complacent to everything. She's the usual girl you'd meet in an everyday situation. Predictable? Maybe. Possibly. Though that's not really important. The key difference between her and the rest is that she wasn't meant to be where she is now. She wasn't meant to be sitting in front of this massive white window, encompassing the globe, the lavishing garden. But in the same tradition of Eve, we are all flawed, and we often destroy that perfect picture we often picture ourselves in.

It's been a long time. No less for her. Travelling until dawn, dreaming through the night. She wasn't meant to see it all. Everything was meant to be dim, blurry. Much like what you'd expect when you've lost all hope, or when you've allowed the world to accept it for you. It doesn't cost much, but when it comes to something that's as sensitive and powerful as this, everything gets in your way.

Family often breaks down, but in the end it all stands back up again like a massive wall. I often tell her, "it's all about the elasticity of hope that comes from family. Nothing else.". She listened, one ear out the other. But at the same time, her heart quenches. Family nowadays seem as drifting and wild as the changing winds. Later in life it all becomes intangible, it becomes this idea - not this group of blood-lined connections.

So she's sitting there, and she expects nothing. Out comes the most terrifying monster in the form of sweet memories. What a life: to know that what made you happy was the knife that killed you in the first place. It's no wonder she's lying there now, face on the floor, hair spread around her neck, arms wide and open for it all to come back again. Dead? No. She's not dead, she's just trying to get over it.

And the battle begins. What is she to do, fight against the beating of her chest? It sounds like a massive war drum exhaling across everything she's ever known. Punching through, twisting her insides 'til she hesitates and swallows it all. Maybe this is all a test. But if it's right there in front of her, what on earth is she to do?

She loosens up to close the window. But she wants more. She's sure of it, she's just scared to admit. There's nothing wrong with pursuing what makes her happy. To her eyes, movements become closure, words become an assortment of strings and lines that create this dry perception of it's existence. Staring with eyes as desperate and unwilling as any girl who wants to do it all again.

It makes her vulnerable. It made me vulnerable too. And I'm sure you'd succumb to it if you knew what it felt like. The poor girl: she decides to close the window and close it all up. The garden becomes dark, the feeling momentarily leaves her mind.

She then goes to me "I might have left, but everytime I see anything that's as small as existence can be, I can't help it."

"That's okay," I replied, "I can't help it either"

And so she turned around, her feet firm on the ground, and walked away. The same way she left me. The same way I left her.

The Landscape

2009-10-31T07:28:00.001-07:00

You know, there was something - this batch of poetic rhythm, I think it was three or four lines. I can't remember. But it was so well-put, I think it came from a song. And I thought about it whilst I was on the train from Jakarta to Bogor and I'm totally punching myself in the head because - I can't remember it.

I'm not very good at remembering. Names, especially. Oh god, I embarrass myself sometimes - why do I just keep it all flowing. It's not good. Personally, I need to get better at it. but how? -

Today. I spent the entire way working for IPB and helping them correct these documents they're making to apple for this engineering standardisation thingy. It was okay. I mean - I got paid for it. I wanna keep doing it again. I wanna get paid more.

You know why? It all started when I saw Fariz. I went up to him and his whorish hotel down near Kelapang Gading and I saw him. It was so nice. I gave him a hug, and I immediately paid the bill for my lemon tea. I spent the entire day with him, all the way 'til the morning after. We spoke alot. We caught up. Talked about our uni friends, our mutual friends, Zain. It was nice actually. I've never done anything like that before so it was quite new to me. I mean - just that whole seeing each other again. You know I was actually really really really scared to meet Fariz again. And it's not because of Fariz though - no. I was just scared of the whole thing. I wrote something. It was on my mobile phone. Notes, my last-minute ventilation.

Maybe I'm at the wrong hotel. Maybe I won't be able to spend time with Fariz too. Man, yesterday was total, heartbreaking disappointment, I even prayed to God in hopes that I could spend time with Ameerah - but no. :( It was sad actually. yesterday made me feel even more sure of myself: I wasn't meant to see her. It all feels like my life's telling me "okay, you've had enough, move forward into the darkness and find your own set of lights". I'm scared now, is it gonna be like this for everyone? Maybe for Fuzz too? Something will happen, something both irrational and however logical in its essence, something will make the fabrics shake, the night pass and the chance take away the opportunity. I'm scared that again today, I won't be able to see my friend again. Is that how it's meant to be for all of us? We live, we make friends, and when we leave, we have to leave the brutal reality that the probability of us seeing each other is damp and slim. I look at that - If that's true, there is no such thing as a reunion. And if it happens, it's not meant to.

Fortunately I did get to see him. And we talked alot. It was nice to see him again. He showed me his diary, he's been keeping one. He gave me Zain's gift: this beautiful small journal I called my second shadow. And after that morning, I went back to my dorm feeling pretty happy.

But it didnt stop from there. I actually did get to see Ameerah. It was a very random day when I got an sms from her saying that she's coming back to Jakarta and that "WE HAVE TO MEET!" I concurred. So we both had breakfast together, in the Bread Story place over at Setiabudi and we caught up too. It's really nice catching up with friends. But the true beauty of it, is that - you'd expect yourself to spend so much time with them, like - I really wanted to go and spend a whole week with Ameerah and Fariz. But I didn't - and you know what, I didn't need to. I don't think the success of a reunion is measured by time. It's more or less between one or zero. You see them, you don't. And that's it. I told Ameerah about everything prior to me leaving Australia, she wasn't there for any of it, I kinda wish she was. We said goodbye on the taxi, she left her lighter. I've still got it.

Beaver's birthday was on the 12th and I went home to Bogor that day and we skyped and - I got to see Blake! I haven't seen him for like 7 months since then and I normally see Beaver so like - ANYWAY! I saw him and that was nice too, we talked alot. Blake answered Yes to a question of mine and -

That's what started it all. The moment Blake answered yes, I remembered about Fariz, about Ameerah - and I made up my mind.

There's no point in me trying to stay myself away from Australia. I'll be honest, that's what I've been doing. Why? Well - because, I kept on feeling that I've left there now, and that I shouldn't come back because I'll just ruin the entire harmony. It's been seven months, and alot has happened. And I think - if I went back, I'll never want to leave. And that's no good. Because I came to Indonesia for a reason. I mean, yeah at first I didn't understand it but now I do. It's because of my mum and dad. And now, after they've sacrificed their presence in the name of me getting a good education, I gotta do the same. That's what I thought.

And yeah - fine. I didn't wanna come back purely because I didn't want to upset anyone. 'Coz I'm scared that I will.

But screw it. Fuck it. There's no point in myself denying what I want. There no use in dimming what I wake up to every morning. And so ever since then. I've decided.

"So you've left Australia..not what?"

"I'm gonna come back. And I'm gonna visit next year. And everything that I do now will be for that landscape I've decided to look onto: of me, sitting, breathing, living in Australia. With my friends. Feeling happy, and complete."

Busy rambles

2009-10-28T02:18:00.001-07:00

I've fallen victim to movement. You know me, unable to create a framework of any sense of self-discipline. I let myself go against my own time. It's actually quite disappointing, knowing that you're always delaying yourself right up, pushing the limits, destroying that path of organised, punctual success we all dream of. But nevertheless, I'm doing my best. And I'm starting by writing here. You know how long I've been telling myself "okay, tonight/today/tommorow/next week, I'm gonna write a blog entry". And I had all these ideas of second-person narration or obnoxious rhymings but - now that's all gone, left and dry.

I've been busy. That's basically what university does to you: you become busy and numb, unreached by any sense of optimism or sensitivity. Its just work, work, work. Is this how it all comes to? I kinda wish it didn't have to be so - mundane. But I'm tackling through it day by day, assignments by assignments. Am I comfortable with the entirely new atmosphere? Not really, I mean - yeah I think i'm okay with it all, but that's all due to the strength I gather from my friends. They're all very kind and supportive. It's nice to know you've got someone who's willing to help you. Which is why I'm very willing to help them in any way I can.

But I've been hearing stuff from the winds lately - things aren't always as they seem here. Backstabbing takes on a whole new level. People share three or four faces amongst twenty of their friends. People make it through their high-school exams, just by paying the teacher a million or two. It's crazy, the amount of layering - the covering up. I really didn't expect things to be so - so polarised. No wonder people never smile around town. They're just too afraid of showing any real sense of emotion.
I think that's what makes this place so grey. I've been catching busways enough times for me to say: no one looks happy inside. Not a single one. They're either on the phone, grasping their bags tightly, or looking forward.

Looking forward. That's something they're all extremely good at. I guess through the years, their peripheral vision died out. Possible reasons: lack of training, lack of curiosity. But what about, lack of humanity. Who's to say these people didn't lose their peripherals; they simply decided to destroy it.
Because they're all looking forward. They never look back. They never look to the side, it's always - right in front. You might think that's a pretty good way of looking at life - but I don't think it is.
Because it's safe to say - In Indonesia, you're not alone. And you're certainly not the only one. There's this level of competitiveness, like they're all running around this single race, and only one person can be a winner and everyone's just trying so so hard to finish - we shouldn't just look forward.

We need to look back, look to the side, at the person beside us, behind us. Why acknowledge them? Because they're exactly the same as you are. We are all human beings. And in the greatest confirmations of existence, we are all living with each other. And there's no point in denying that.

So I reckon, they all just need to remember that it's not just about their lives. We are all connected in some way, and we all need to embrace that. Especially those guys on the buses.

I feel I've just preached. That was a massive IMO. You know something - all this university has kept me on the fence about the amount of patience I have in hoping. I look at my hororscopes now and then - and the word "hope" and "optimism" (in and around it's tenses) always pops up somehow. I need to feel again, to feel is to inspire, to feel is to self-motivate.

My head's starting to ache. Maybe it's the lack of water. Oh yeah - something I've learnt today: being alone decreases your hydration levels by 45.2%. Don't ask me how I got the data, just accept the warning - Being alone is the upmost metaphorical form of the desert.

Letter to October

2009-10-01T10:09:00.001-07:00

Dearest,
Good morning October. Times have changed. I'm alot more different now. I can talk both ways, I can speak my mind in the latter, and you know what - you've already arrived. My god, seriously. Why are you here! Why'd you have to ce so soon, I hate it. I hate how you just rock up when everything's just about to start. Well I'll tell you something. Last time I met you - I was completely different. I was in love. Yeah, I was in love - and I was busy studying hard, trying to get the attention, a look, a question, a nod when now - there's no one. February visited me and I left, and now that you've come around well, no one's been making me feel heavy. No one's been making me run or freeze or move. But I'm kind glad that you're here already because now I know - it's going by fast. Too fast? That's relative really. Sometimes it's hard to keep up. But it doesn't matter how fast time goes, living it is what's important.

But now that you're here I wanna make a promise. Yeah, shit has happened, I've lost friends, distance has kept me on the fence, I don't know what it feels like anymore. And now through time, I've reduced it all to a single dot. I hope you don't tell your friends to do something about it, because you how volatile this dot can become.

But I'll promise you. I'll promise you. This will keep on getting better. Because life, in the end, fits perfectly into one piece. In the end, everything will be alright. Because every day the birds will sing, the sun will shine, and we will keep on living. And all that's behind us will follow into our shadows.

I'll promise you this October. This will keep getting better.

Good to see you.

Love is Blood

2009-09-26T10:59:00.001-07:00

(Lights fade in. Daniel and Adele sit on single wooden chairs, side by side, shoulder to shoulder. Daniel wears a shite shirt, his left-hand side has a soggy patch of blood. Adele's hands are covered with blood too; a contrast between her red hands and her pale white skin. They begin to sing their duet)

Daniel: If you see me coming.

Adele: I look away, I look away.

Daniel: And if your mind is made up.

Adele: I look away, I will look away.

Daniel: And if you're worried about me.

Adele: I'm okay, I'm okay.

(They stop singing.)

Daniel: Look what you did to me.

Adele: Look what you made me do.

Daniel: It's your fault.

Adele: Stop blaming yourself.

Daniel: Who's gonna help me fix this?

Adele: Who's gonna help me wash my hands?

Daniel: You will.

Adele: You won't.

(Daniel stands, the bleeding patch gets bigger, making it almost hard to see the white. He looks to Adele)

Daniel: Why?

Adele: Why not?

Daniel: Is this how it all ends nowadays? Is this how it's meant to be? This new age thought, this bitter truth.

Adele: Everything ends Daniel

Daniel: But not this! No - you weren't meant to do this - it's not justified -

Adele: Justified? How dare you! This is love. Love between us right here. Love is blood, love is pain. There's nothing justified about it Daniel, this is no way near -

Daniel: Shut up! Look at me. I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding Adele, I'm fucking bleeding.

(Daniel sits back down. The blood's dropping down like thick water, creating pools of blood under the chairs. He hangs his head down and covers his face, sobbing)

Adele: You're just a daydreamer. Nothing moves around you. There was nothing in the first place, nothing, not a single dot of -

Daniel: Fuck off! I don't believe you.

Adele: Daniel, this was never going to work.

Daniel: What did u want from me?

Adele: Nothing.

(Pause. It all fits together now. Adele's agenda conflicted against Daniel's)

Adele: I thought. I thought that if I could just try, maybe something could happen. But nothing did. No flowers blossomed, no sweet summer arose. All that was left was this thick cloud of quiet. I never said, and I absolutely regret that.

Daniel: But I love you! This is real blood, this is real love!

Adele: I'm sorry Daniel. Goodbye.

(Fade out. Adele leaves, leaving Daniel dying)

Daniel: Why did you do this to me Adele? Why did you have to -

Points and Questions

2009-09-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

Oh man. I haven't blogged in a long time. And you know it's not that I've explicitly avoided the thing, I wouldn't dare do that. I'm not one to avoid opportunities in writing. You should've seen me actually - I'm currently staying in Bogor for Lebaran break and I left my Moleskine journal at my dorm. And I thought I could handle not writing but..alas, I'm always putting my heart on my sleeve all the time. I vented, literally - on random pieces of paper I vented. Just like that time, New Year's Day 2009. Wanted to write so much but didn't have my journal with me, and so I grabbed a piece of paper, divided it into four rectangles, found a kikky.K pen and wrote.

I'm in Bogor, and I've been here for about a week now. I've been relaxing and just - doing nothing really. Today I've gotta force myself to do summaries and review questions for my Micro-Economics class. *sigh* I know, it's a total bore. well - it's not really but - I'm just not good at it. You see people think so laterally, I can 't do that. Alot has happened, stuff you need to know. I learned alot since I last wrote. I'll distribute all this out in the tradition of Fariz's point-style blogging. Man, what a genius.

Far out, Love is in the air..and it's not even February! Two of my friends, Cynthia and Yeyen, have found their other half. Dani and Jascha. Congrats to them.
I'm still scared by the whole ghosts thing, though it's not as extreme as it was before. I can sleep..better. I just can't talk about it or else it'll start reeling inside my mind and then the images start to appear.
Left 4 Dead and Dead Space. SCARIEST GAMES EVER!
Isrien has such a beautiful voice. You should all listen to her - it's amazing. I wish I had the courage to do that. Youtube seems like such a volatile place to perform for the first time..I'm too scared. (fuckin' wuss)
GLEE!! The new tv show I'm crazy about. I'm currently downloading the fourth episode right now. Oh it's such an awesome show! EVERYONE YOUTUBE IT! AHHH!! :D
New music+artists: Rooney 'When did your heart go missing?', Tommy Sparks! Scarlett Johansson and Pete Yorn with their awesome duet 'Relator', Andra and the Backbone's 'Tak Ada Yang Bisa' as well as 'Laskar Pelangi' by Nidji. Yes I'm starting to listen to Indo music, I don't understand what they're all saying but - at least it sounds good. This all feels like that time ages ago when I was in year 5 or 6 and I was listening to japanese music on Winamp. Old times.
Everyone, get Imogen Heap's new album Ellipse. You'll go ahead of time, so far out til you're in the subconscious fabric of music. It's such a beautiful album.

There's more. I learnt that here in Indonesia, if you wanna say the whole "mohon maaf lahir batin" thing to your family, especially to your parents, you gotta kneel before them and do all that. It felt strange but - nonetheless forgiving.

And have I told you already about uni? Well I've already had one week and far out, the uni work is already feeling like this heavy boulder on my shoulder. When will it all get lighter? Once I start to move my ass and do my work. I haven't studied in such a long time, it's hard to get back to it. Maybe I need to be slapped or something - not literally just metaphorically, somehow, let me think. No - don't do that, that sounds ridiculous.

SPEAKING OF RIDICULOUS! I bought another notebook, yes another notebook. What's it for? Good question. I bought it to write all my lyrics down. Usually if I make something up - I put it on random sheets of paper, or put it on my mobile phone under Notes-folder "Are you being seriuos?". But now they'll all be put and thoroughly condensed into this small nice, B5 7mm ruled Morning Glory notebook. Writing lyrics is hard, but writing it randomly on vented pieces of paper makes it even harder.

And finally, I finished reading The Witch of Portobello. Oh God, good God, what a glorious book. I absolutely loved reading it. It took me quite a while to read it but - I really love Paulo Coehlo, he's such a brilliant author. The book dealt with such interesting themes, stuff I've never really read about: like spirituality, passion - it was really deep. The book makes you reflect and ask yourself about simple but often, hard-to-answer questions. Are you happy? Do you make the most and satisfy ever moment you take? - You all should read the book. Athena is such a brilliant character, well done Paulo Coehlo!

I'll leave it at that. I'll write again in time. I feel like writing plays too, ahh - those microscopic plays that's never good and rarely read. Doesn't matter, I like writing them, that's all that counts. To end this, I wanna quote something off The Witch of Portobello:

Love is not a habit, a commitment, or a debt. It isn't what romantic songs tell us itis - love simply is. That is the testament of Athena or Sherine or Hagia Sofia - love is. No definitions. Love and don't ask too many questions. Just love.

Goodbye everyone. Take care. More life, more life.

Insomnia

2009-09-15T12:14:00.001-07:00

Okay, it's around 2 in the morning now. And well - I can't seem to sleep. I think I slept form like 12 til one but after that, couldn't. I think I've got insomnia. And it's not good. :( You know, I think all of this was because of that stupid jurit malam thing. That stupid thing during outbound where we all had to go on this completely dark 15km track and we got scared by all these ghosts, which were fake because they were actually the people who work at the outbound but still -

Ever since then, I've been creeped out. I can't sleep well, and tonight is the perfect example. Actually tonight is the worst, I mean - It's never actually been this bad.

Now I feel abit better, I'm in my living room in Bogor, CHristina Aguilera's playing, and I can hear my dad snoring. All feels alot more safe.

But I'm terribly pissed off because of that stupid outbound. I reckon, I mean - way back, when I was in Sydney, and even before orientation here in indonesia, I wasn't scared at all, I was pretty comfortable. But now, coz I had to experience all that - I've continuously been living on the edge, so much fear's clouded my mind. And I reckon I need to like - think differently, I need to stop imagining all those things and just, imagine something else, which is why I thought I might read a book, Paulo Coehlo, just to imagine better things inside my mind. Music helps alot too.

But urgh, it's not good. I hope I'm not gonna be like this forever. I wanna be who I was before all that. But I know that I can't so - now, I just gotta stop thinking about it.
It's scary. I don't wanna see them, if they even do exist. But I hear all these stories, GOD why is Indonesia so bloody spiritual. It's just crazy, I hate it. This is probably THE WORST thing I hate about Indonesia right now. How do u get rid of fear? And NO I do not wanna face whatever, I just don't wanna see it - I heard all these stories of people seeing it and like - I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME, and I don't know how to like, stop that from happening. I'm always asking this to God whenever I pray. Ever since that stupid fuckin' DAMN IT OUTBOUND! Please, I wanna be left alone, no interruptions, nothing to blur between this and that. I can't sleep because I'm scared. 2:14AM. I can already hear the masjid calling for Sahur, that's nice to hear.

A New Fridge, A New Post

2009-09-12T02:53:00.001-07:00

Today I got a new fridge. Small, compact - I'm totally in love with it. You can't imagine just how hard life can be without a fridge. You can't store anything, and everything you eat and drink are lukewarm. Today I woke up to the sound of my mobile ringing, an SMS:

Dik, I will send the fridge today, after 10 from Bogor. Wait ya.

I have to say though, the past few days I've been feeling pretty sedated and empty. Maybe it's coz of the reckless times I wake up and sleep, maybe it's my dysfunctional sleeping patters. Maybe it's the whole fact that I've started uni, and it's not feeling heavy yet. I don't know, but for the past few days I feel like I've lost my momentum. I'm moving, but I don't know what for?
Which means, I've lost something. And I need to get it back, I need to be inspired, to be positive amongst the crowd, and to keep on living!

I should tell you that uni has been okay. It's only been a week, and I can see the work piling up class by class. All the professors are very nice, polite, strict but comforting. My favourite class would have to be Management and Leadership, studying the practice of managing people, I think is a pretty good skill. And I find it really really really interesting! Which is good, it'll make me more proactive to study. IN FACT, I've already started making study summaries and notes for the subjects AND I've been killing myself hard and practising maths. Yes, I've got a maths subject: Business Maths. At the moment we're doing HSC stuff like polynomials and all that - I should really enjoy myself right now because I can tell, it's gonna get alot more complicated.

I wanna share with you some of the memorably sms's I've had recently. First, a nice little sms-invitation from my friend Archie:

Guys besok pada ntn di PP (Pacific Place) yuk. Dari pada ke sensi mulu bosen ahh. Now the big Q is!!! HOW DO WE GET THERE? Well karena ada fasilitas busway (baca: Bus War) kita mending manfaatin yg udah disediain. Hemat onkos, hemat parkir dan cita fasilitas ibu pertiwi. Gmn setuju? Tertanda, Archie.

I should point out though, in the end - none of that happened. Something went wrong, I think not everyone wanted to go, and so we bailed going to PP and decided to go back to Senayan City. I think we're all taking that beautiful supermall for granted. It's probably coz we've been there so many times but - Senayan City just happens to be one of the biggest and bestest malls in Indonesia. And the most luxurious I should say. Sometimes it's abit ridiculous though. I mean, they've got Burger King on the lower ground floor and everyone thinks that fast food chain is so amazing and glorious and luxurious, something that's demonstrated by their overpriced menu. I mean seriously, Rp. 70,000 for a burger, AS IF!

Here's another highlight, this one's from Didit, and first she sms'd me to tell me that Sonnie's online. But I was at my kost and I don't have the internet so I was like TOTALLY BUMMED!

Ooh :( Well, he told me that he doens't think he'll live in iceland much longer. He's thinking to go back to Bogor, and he wants to find a job.

I'm not sure if you remember Sonnie, but seriously - I can't believe he's actually thinking of doing that! Sonnie, I hope you're reading this. COME BACK! COME BACK!!

Alright, well - this is probably the most stream-of-consciousness entry I've probably ever written. I'm gonna go check my dailies: Fariz's Typical Antics and Isrien's Blog. I noticed Zain's being featured...ASIK!

Farewell thee. Til we meet again. Hope you're all okay. Bless you all! :D

L.O Liaison Officer

2009-09-04T04:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm blogging on someone else's computer. I'm at my campus right now and I've been here since 5:30 in the morning yesterday. It is now almost seven. I've been at BINUS for like - over 24 hours.
This is what I've been doing. I've been helping out for this english competition organised by my uni, it's called ECom and it has all these categories including debate, storytelling newscast, and spelling bee. I got the job of being LO, Liaison Officer. It's an alright job, I mean - It's actually quite hard. And it's not because there's alot of work - but wait, now that I think about it - there is actually. We've got a lot of responsibility, and a lot of trust in such a short amount of time. Anyway, so we've got a huge L.O group - almost thirty people, and they're all from my batch, Binusians 2013.
I like it. I quite enjoy doing all this, I mean - it's just like all that extra-curricular stuff I did back when I was in Australia for Randwick Boys'. And you know what - university extracurricular activities are alot more professional. There's this wholo ego vibe. I don't even know if that's good but I can feel it. There's the whole hierachy, the president, the VPs, the head chief. I mean, it's okay. I reckon that's all important, people need to be managed by other people, there needs to be this sense of order. But I dunno - after I've experienced this, it all feels kinda weird. I mean, it's just alot more serious and all - I don't know.
Anyway, I've been asked to join clubs too. Vincentia and Nikita all reckon I should join the student committee, and then Raj also invited me to join the debating club. Now the student comm. I don't mind but the debating - ahh....I dunno. I mean, I think - I'm just, I have no idea. Should I do it? I don't think I'm quite good at debating. I told Raj I'm not really good at it, but he said the club can train me - so, i think. I think I might just give it a go.
I stayed over the campus and like - I haven't even started the semester yet. :D That's funny.
I miss blogging, I miss writing. I haven't written in my journal for a long time and I don't know why! And you know what, out of pure impatience I went and wrote an entry on two pieces of paper out of pure ventilation.
Anyway, I'm currently in the middle of an evaluation meeting. Yeah, they're up to....the register division. And the debating division (which means LO) is coming up soon. Alot of people are asking me to stay over again...oh man - there's no point really I reckon. But I guess I should. Okay, I think I'll stop now. Hope you're all alright. I miss writing plays too. During a debate, I full on wrote this plot segmentation about this play showing a debate, two teams, chairman, timekeeper, and it's all about self-identity. In the beginning they've all got their assigned duties, but by the end of the play, they start to have this growing sense of individualism and - well, that's all I've got so far. I miss writing plays.
Love you all. Miss you (Australia and everyone in it especially).
P

Uni Orientation in Indonesia

2009-08-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I know. it's been like what - over a week since I haven't blogged. I really really missed writing you know. But the reason why I've been so absent is because I literally got choked up with my uni orientation.

BINUS International. Okay, at first - I didn't even think that they'd do the whole OSPEK, the whole work work work ordeal, even the whole "Do your work or else you'll get punished and you'll have to clean the toilets!" kinda deal but - sad to say, all that happened.

The first day was the 21st. I arrived early and so I decided to go and check out Senayan City, the super-duper-uber scary mall that probably has the same geographic footprint as Kingford. It's a BIG mall. And it totally beats all the Westfields in Australia. Yep, including Parramatta's. When I first arrived, well - first of all I was freezing 'cause the air-conditioning inside is just ridiculously cold. I looked around, observed, made a few notes about the shops they had there. Gucci. Dunhill London. Marks and Spencer. Their department store, Debenhams, were selling wrinkled shorts for over $60 Aussie bucks. No...fuckin' way.

I've decided: the only purpose of me spending there, would be to buy food, NOTHING ELSE.

The briefings at my campus were held for two days. After the briefings, came the real OSPEK days. Now, I'm not sure if any of you understand what Indonesian Orientations are like -

It's alot more different that Australia. We get given work, we have to sing and keep on singing until our lungs pop out, we have to made this book and nametags and assignments and - it's just all about work really. But the worst part, the worst part is all the disciplinary action they enforce if you do the wrong thing, OR if you don't bring everything you needed to bring (which included quite alot of randoms like a lunch box, water bottle, a postage stamp).

The OSPEK, or W'Days as the binusian seniors called it, ran for three days. It was intense, we had to be there at 6, and stay there until 5. That's almost twelve hours. (CAPE DEH!)

But I got through it. And you know, I'm so lucky and surprised and happy beacuse - I got to make lots of new friends. I'll try to list all the names I can remember.

Haykal
Cynthia
Syahnan
Christine
Andi
Khandi
Maryon
Patricia
Herwina
Sahil
Agus
Aaron
Indra

There's more, most of them are from my class. My class, IB01 - seriously, we fuckin' rock. :D

We had to do alot of weird things, in Morning Calls we all ahd to sing all the different Marches and Yells. We also had to do a class performance at the end of the three days and OH!

OHHHH!!

Guess what? I sang.

Yeah, I sang for like - the very first time ever in front of people. You see, our class performance was split into three. The first, I wrote this like - short song based on the chord progressions of Beyonce just to say thanks to our senior mentors Tika and Andre, who helped us SO much with getting through all the work and all that. And I sung that by myself, and then after that - the whole lot of us sang I'm Yours by Jason. And you know - that was the very first time, and I was so nervous, everyone could see my knees were shaking. But - I really enjoyed it. That whole performing thrill, that rush of adrenaline, I always got it whenever I did rocka or performed drama, and especially that one time when I performed this bird-ish dance I made up about being hungover. But yeah, I really enjoyed it - and I think now, I wanna keep on doing that. Practise my singing, my writing, and just practise performing. I wanna be better at this. I wanna prove myself that I can do this.

Anyway, I'm back in Bogor now, that's why I've got the time to blog because in my pad in Jakarta, I don't have any internet. Tommorow I'm going to go on a camping trip with all of my schoolmates, two days one night. Yesterday I made my own movie night and watched War of the Worlds and Spiderman 3. That was fun, I didn't have any popcorn, all I had was green tea and butter bread.

But, yeah, I think, now that I've started uni - I feel alot more settled. I've got a reason to wake up now, no more senseless starbucks or impulsive buyings of es cendol. I've got something to do. FINALLY!

There's not much left until we start uni on September the 7th. There's the camping trip, and then the Inauguration on the 6th. Oh, and last night, the seniors awarded me with the Best New Boy Student. That was quite surprising. But all I'm thankful for, is that I've got friends you know - before I was sooo scared that I wouldn't be able to make new friends and all that, but - I guess the people don't mind my loudness and my so-called "eccentric style". So, I'm thankful for them.

Anyway, that's it. I wanna blog again, I'll try soon. Hope you all are well. Keep on living and breathing, and do nice things!! :D

xoxo P

Lonely Planet

2009-08-19T11:20:00.001-07:00

Currently playing in iTunes: Ára bátur by Sigur Rós

I realise now that I haven't written in such a long time. It's been just over a week and - you might think not alot has happened which - is actually true. Nothing much came about. From what I can remember, the only thought memorable was the 17th of August, Indonesia's Independence Day. For me, well it felt like any other day really but when my dad put up the Indonesian flag in front of our house, that's where it all started.

I really - didn't celebrate it. Everyone here though had formal ceremonies to go to, what with their work and school - but because I had neither, all I did was just look out and watch everyone else salute to the flag. Of course I did my share, I thought about it. That day was actually my schoolmate's birthday, Mas Masjid Asyid. He turned 17 that day, he turned 17 on the 17th of August. Perfect timing I reckon. He invited all of us to have lunch at his place which was nice. I really liked his mum's spaghetti! And it was also nice to see all my friends from SMANTI and catch up with them. Yeah, I did miss them alot. I mean, I really enjoy their company, they cheer me up.

Anyway, that's all I can remember really. Before that..nothing. I - can't remember anything at all - see, this is exactly why I try to record everything that happens in my life, what with the journals, blogs, even my mobile phone has all these little entries under Notes. Yeah, so if you wanna look through my mobile phone next time, look for the notes, you'll find plenty to read about. But really, nothing much has happened. A few days ago I went back to Jakarta hoping that I could feel more relaxed and more fuckin' willing to stay there but I couldn't. I just - there's really nothing to do there, it's alot more worse than here in Bogor. At least in Bogor I can go places, like Starbucks, J.Co, visit friends - but in Jakarta, there's nothing. I can't go anywhere, it's quite hard, and if you go by taxi, quite expensive. I don't have any friends in Jakarta, except Raka though, but he's got uni. AND I DON'T HAVE UNI TOO! I'm sorry, I know - I should be patient but seriously - BINUS hasn't even TOLD me the actually DATE for orientation (if there is any) and the start of my first semester. I mean, seriously, WTF!

I'm sick of waiting. Everyone's been telling me to just make the most of all this time I've got now, and to be honest - I'm not even sure if I'm doing that. I think I have, but I reconsider and haven't. It's just - everyone's already started, my Australian friends already into their second semester, and all my friends here who are going to uni have started their orientation. It's actually quite worrying me, I hope I didn't miss out on anything.

But you know, something interesting happened to me, something quite extraordinary actually. It was like around 5:30 in the morning. I woke up early because I had to finish up grammar-marking for my mum's friends thesis paper, which was about mean temperatures in indonesian homes that uses specific materials and design methodology. It was quite interesting - anyway, so I did some marking, and after I finished I thought I might check my mail. And then I found this:

From: Erwan Keribin

Subject: Frenchie keeping in touch

Date: August 16, 2009 5:34:07 PM GMT+07:00

To: pigarmahdar@gmail.com

Hello Pigar, how are you? Long time, no news.

It was an email from my friend Erwan. I won't babble on but long story short, he was an old friend of mine who was in my class when I was in year 9, or 10 - one of them. Anyway, he went back to France before I started senior year and ever since we rarely kept in touch. And in fact, I can remember the last time I heard from him, we were talking on MSN - and I was in Sydney, in the Todman Avenue one-bedroomer, and my eMac was directly below my bed, which was to the side, so - this was BEFORE Harry got the new TV, which meant - sometime in year 11. I think it was during that transient year 11-into-year 12 holiday. Anyway, he sent me an email and he was telling me how he's into second year now with his college and he's gonna start doing exams for engineering schools and - OH and he went to Germany for awhile! Yeah, he went over there to be better with his german so he went there and did this camp thingy which he really enjoyed.

Anyway, I still can't believe he emailed me. I mean - it was just so out of the blue, so random. But it was a brilliant way to start the day, absolutely beautiful. And it made me really happy. I'm glad he still remembers me. I just can't believe it - I'm sorry but - I seriously can't beleive it. I mean, don't you find all that amazing? We're so far away from each other, we've rarely kept in touch, and all it takes is just one simple email to rekindle the string and start it all over again. I'm just really happy all of that happened to me. I'll be honest, it kinda made hopeful.

I replied to him immediately. I even did the whole thing where I'd write the draft into my notebook before sending in the real copy. I normally do that with all my letters and emails, just to give myself an archive. I told about me going back here to Indonesia. I told him about my friends. I told him about what I've learnt, what I've accomplished.

So that would probably be the most exciting thing that's happened to me since I arrived here in Indonesia. I don't know why but - all of that really made me feel happy. And you know he wrote this:

I also hope that you and I will meet again, hence this mail: I
want us to keep in touch ;)

Fondness at remembrance, your friend Erwan.

Hope. See, hope. It's all about hoping isn't? That's why it really made me feel more hopeful about alot of things, about catching up with your friends again, trying to rekindle the strings again, seeing them again. I told Erwan that if I can, I might go and do my final year in Germany - which is closer than ever to his home in France so we can meet up. Actually, him writing to me made me feel even more sure that going to Germany to study there will be better than Australia. But that lasted one night, and now I'm back on the fence about it. It doesn't matter anyway, I don't mind - I was talking to Pasha a few days earlier and he said that I should just enjoy my first few years of uni now, don't think about all that until I have to. You know, I think I seriously have this problem of trying to solve things that I can't really solve now. It's like being given a calculus question in year 7, and you're trying as hard as you can to solve it, even when you know that you'll learn all about in year 9. Problems are solved in their own time, that's something new I've learnt.

So, Indonesia's Independence and Erwan. God I miss him. I'm so bloody lucky I know him too, and that I've got him as a friend. It's nice, and I can STILL remember when back at school, right after he told me he was from France, that I immediately bought my Lonely Planet's French conversation reference to school. And William and I would just keep on asking him questions and start saying random things. "That was nice, amazing, weird?" "Bay-zay tu!". Oh Erwan, I miss you!

Busy busy busy

2009-08-13T01:24:00.001-07:00

My mac screen has been like that for around two or three days now. For once, finally for once, I felt busy. So busy, it went to that point where like - I woke up, and I didn't want to wake up because I had to do all this filmwork. You know you're busy when sleeping-life seems SOO MUCH BETTER!

My mum's university have been hosting this training program with delegates from various African nations to come and learn more about dryland agriculture. That sounds boring.. believe I know. Anyway, they filmed some footage and wanted someone to make a video for it - and my mum immediately recommended me. Which, I mean - I can remember when mum told me about it - I was abit iffy. But to be honest, I'm glad I accepted it - because I totally forgot just how much I enjoy doing all this: filmmaking and all. So I said yes, and the past two days I was busy exporting these film, structuring them, editing them. It's quite hard actually.

I reckon the hardest part is making sure that you're making all of this flowing, small enough to keep attention, but long enough to provide some definition. And seriously, how the HELL do you try to edit together a sequence of lectures, and NOT make it boring at the same time? That was really hard...in the end - I gave in to the boredom, and I just put together the clips where you could actually hear and understand what the lecturers were saying.

It's at 20 minutes now. And I wanted to have some narration on so I asked my friend Yeyen to help me out. She just came over and did the voiceovers. Yay. Now all I have to do is just evaluate it all once more, make sure I didn't miss on anything and after all that - I can finish and start rendering the damn thing. :D I miss it, I miss doing this, it made me remember all those times when I made the videos for Rock Eisteddfod and T.O.M, and also my final HSC projects for Extension English 2 and Visual Arts. I miss doing all this, and I absolutely enjoy it. I really do. I wanna do more of this.

That's my desktop. I guess you could say I've been busy. Quite rare though isn't it?

Oh and I called William yesterday. Ah, it was SOOO NICE to hear from him. We talked for around 3 hours, it was quite amazing actually. We talked about alot of things, friends what we've been up to, toilets, the ol' quote "Cool.Yay.Great.Amazing!" - and just everything. It was nice, I ahven't heard from him in a long while so I was very excited. We talked about Australia, I told him that I think I might come over there for my final year and - that in turn started the very long discussion about whether I should come back. I know I wrote this last time, I'm seriously still on the fence about it. I don't even know why I'm hesitating, I mean - it's where I want to go right? Yeah, it is. I wanna come back, live there, stay there, work there. Just - I'm scared of coming back.

Anyway, no need to think about that now. Now, I gotta clean up this film. Render. Burn. Busy busy busy.

Palm Readings and Final Years

2009-08-09T09:48:00.001-07:00

Currently playing in iTunes: California 2005 by Phantom Planet - Wow...The O.C *sigh*

First of all I'd like to say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WILLIAM!

would you believe it he's 19 already! Goodness me, I can still remember when I celebrated his birthday with a chocolate cake I made with the help of Ameerah and Fariz. Zain caught up with us at Kingsford and we went to his family shop and gave him the cake.

Sad to say that didn't happen this year. I sent him a birthday message, GG-style as per. It was nice to hear that's how William started the day. Much like my birthday too, William's sms was the first one I received and read. But I hope he had a nice birthday. Hope he enjoyed himself. I mean - William actually invited me to his get-together on FaceBook. I looked at the guest list, I wonder who showed up?

Today was a day which featured no loss of time. All day I was doing something, there was no inertia present. In the morning until the early afternoon I was at the AFS English Club meeting. That was nice, got to meet some interesting people - there's this wonderful girl who can read Tarot cards and do palm readings, she's giving us a personal profile on our next meeting. That would be funny. I'd like to hear what she'll say. Though, Horoscopes - all those future-implicated readings, I try to stray away from them.

I can remember, back when I was in Sydney, after high school, I'd always read mine every single day. And it was bad, really bad! It's not good I reckon because -when you read, your ideals start going crazy and you've got your whole day planned out. And we all know - the days never seem to go as we planned and - that's why I stopped. Because I started believing what it told me, I stopped. And anyway, I can remember Fariz and Isrien telling me that it's against our religion to believe in horoscopes when we were about to cross the road on our way to DFO. Can I be any more..sacrilegious. Fuck!

But anyway, after that I had lunch with my friend Gama who's an english teacher at The British Institute and then he invited his friend Pauline - and so us three had lunch. I ordered Nasi Goreng Sosis. I think when you have nasi goreng so many times, it starts to become tasteless and bland. My tongue's getting used to the national Indonesian breakfast. But afterwards we went over to Starbucks. Then another one of their friends Tracy with her friend came over, and we all sat down and talked. Actually they mostly asked about me and why on earth did I come back here for uni. Of course, I didn't tell them the entire story - about my dad and 5-figure sum of tuition fees. But they all think I deserve to receive permanent residency there in Australia, even citizenship. And that -

That stayed with me right up until I got home and talked to my parents. We discussed about the eligibility of Indonesian degrees (not that high, internationally-speaking) and then..Australia. I told them - I don't think I've ever told them before, my dad especially because I can remember how much he didn't want me to become a permanent resident there or even an Australian citizen - but I told them both that I wanted to come back, and work there - and live there and stay there. My mum didn't mind. But it's my dad whose face I really looked at carefully. And you know -

I think he's okay with it. Apparently even degrees from Germany don't even count that much in Australia. Gosh, how mean. I mean, it's Germany! So I'm guessing maybe British or French degrees don't count too. That's suddenly made me think: Maybe, maybe I shouldn't go to somewhere new like Germany, europe. Because if I want to come back to work in Australia, I should get an Australian degree..which means -

Maybe I should come back to Australia.

Life is not worth Living

2009-08-06T09:22:00.001-07:00

Late-night blogging. Oh, I don't mind it though because I absolutely love the quite. I just finished watching a movie, Milk. You know, the one where Sean Penn recently received an Academy. Yeah, that was a glorious movie. I absolutely loved it. I can see why he won. The think about Sean Penn and his acting, he's got so much depth. Have any of you seen him in I Am Sam? That made me cry so much, and his acting was so brilliant! There is a sense of theatrics in it but you omit that, because the feelings and emotions he resonates off is what makes all his characters unique.

Anyway I just loved that final speech he made about Hope. I put that word into capitals, because - I think it deserves it. And that word has been a highlight these recent times. For me at least.

I ask this... If there should be an assassination, I would hope that five, ten, one hundred, a thousand would rise. I would like to see every gay lawyer, every gay architect come out - - If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door... And that's all. I ask for the movement to continue. Because it's not about personal gain, not about ego, not about power... it's about the "us's" out there. Not only gays, but the Blacks, the Asians, the disabled, the seniors, the us's. Without hope, the us's give up - I know you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you... You gotta give em' hope... you gotta give em' hope.

I can't tell if I'm a hopeful person or not. You can never really examine yourself can you, because - we are our own bias after all. This Harvey Milk (who was an actual person) was so bloody courageous - I mean, it's amazing. He had guts. He had a passion and he took on the political rampage of the 1970's government to make everyone question, reconsider, THINK!

And he did all this - just so the people beyond him could reach for the goal of equality and prosperity. And I reckon - I absolutely reckon that the only difference he had between everyone else, was that he had hope. And he had lots of it, and he divided them like birthday cakes and everyone got a little bit and it all started sharing around, spreading around like a funny joke, something that makes you smile.

All of that suddenly wheeled around into me, Myself.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'm a hopeful person. I think I am, but the minute I think that way I reconsider it. But Hope's such a fragile mindset, it's got this really long and extremely thin fine line. And you gotta balance it everytime, because it's just too easy to lose it. Why is it that there are like - a gazillion ways to lose hope, but it takes very few to gain it. Maybe it's cause - when we're hoping, we're really moving across time itself, across life, beyond rationality to keep this feeling intact and with you throughout your living days. It's so easy to doubt what hasn't happened...because it hasn't happened yet. And I guess that's Hope for me. Hope moves beyond time, beyond something even our bodies can't keep up.

Everyone's hoping for something, for someone. I know I am. And maybe you are too. And I think it's good. Because without it - like what Harvey Milk said: life is not worth living.

Hope, you keep me alive.

Unrealistic

2009-08-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

You know I've started a new journal? Yeah, I finished the other one, the one that's binded with Batik and now I'm started a new one. It's moleskine, my favourite, and I started on the 30th of July. It's already the 4th of August. I've already written seven entries. But what really astounded me was when my friend Didit asked me how much journals I've finished. And I counted and - you know what? I've already finished eight journals, this is my ninth one. I seriuosly - couldn't believe it. I mean, god - that's SO MUCH! I didn't think I'd keep on writing, or keep on doing this way back when I first started on the 19th of March 2007. And now here I am, eight journals later. Alot has happened. And don't assume that my life is so interesting and full of story just because I've written so much. It's probably as exciting and unique as your own.
But I do enjoy writing. Though the diary's really for myself. I mean, I write it FOR myself. I don't write it for anyone else. And I don't really intend on sharing it, I mean - like, I have before. But like only the really really old ones, the ones where it really doesn't matter what I've written. I try to keep the most recent few to myself. Especially nowadays. But I'm still writing, and I do plan on doing this for as long as I can write. I wanna keep my history. I want to be able to go to this one entry, and suddenly feel what I felt. It's just like Fariz's entry - that glorious waterbomb fight. You know, writing about what you've done, the accomplishments, the happy times, even the sad times, the parts you're most vulnerable. I think it's good to write it down, give it some presence, a physical history. I think we often live our lives too fast for our own mind to be able to comprehend and take it all in. Which is why we need to stand stil sometimes, and watch and stare and listen and write, breathe in all of it.
I've been talking to many of my close friends over MSN. Yesterday I heard from Pasha which was so nice because I haven't heard from him in such a long time. He's doing great, very busy preparing for his girlfriend Nat's birthday present which - I reckon is the sweetest present ever! For details go WALL him! And the day before I went to Jakarta I had a long talk with Fariz. I stayed up til 12 midnight, which meant he stayed up til 3 in the morning. That was very nice of him to stay around, Thanks Fariz! We talked, I was mostly doing the talking. What's so great about Fariz is his wisdom, I'm so glad I've got so many friends who are just so wise. He really helped me clear out my head, put them all into nice clean simple sentences. And my god, girls should see it as a heaven-sent miracle to be able to be with someone like him. Seriously, people like that, nice, warm, wise, helpful - there's not alot of people like that nowadays.
He helped me realise. Some problems..they don't really have to be solved at an instant. There are some problems which you can only resolve in the future, a problem that's too far out into the horizon. And we're not meant to think about it until it closes in, passes by you, close enough for you to know. I think I worry too much about my friends, It's bad because - I'm needy and selfish in thinking "If I was there, I could help". Is it because of my optimism? See, that's what I mean, optimisn is just another form of blindness. We become too much of a dreamer to touch the ground and feel the reality of it all. There's a certain paradox which comes from being optimistic, being happy and hopeful - because, it's irrational. It's illogical, it's - unrealistic. Where's the line? Where's the limit? That's what I've been thinking about these past few days. When you haven't heard from a friend for a long time, you start to get heavy, the happiness slowly fades, and then your feet touch the ground, and you're not dreaming anymore. It's so easy to just, give in to reality isn't it?

Bible Reading..Qur'an Reading..?

2009-08-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

I'm at my dad's work. And - well, I haven't posted in a while. It does seem empty. I've been living in Jakarta for two whole straight nights now, and it's great I suppose. I love my place, but - there's nothing to do. I actually was pondering this to myself because, well, how is this different to me living in Bogor anyway. And I concluded that the only difference between Bogor and Jakarta was free food, and internet. Hence the lack of posts, if I had the internet with me I would absolutely positively post like crazy. But, anyway.
Not much really has happened. We started moving this weekend, on Sunday, it was actually meant to be Saturday but something happened..oh yeah, I didn't pack yet. But before we went over to my new house we had to go to this pengajian which...I don't know how to translate that really, the best I could think of is bible reading - or... Qur'an reading. I remembered they're two different things.
But it was for a long-time family friend. Dinar, our first neighbours and long-time acquaintance was getting married to Alex, an Australian. And actually I had a really nice time. You should've seen everyone, Dinar's wide and expanded family, I'm pretty sure Alex was shocked. It was quite hilarious to hear him say the Syahadat. He's now officially a muslim. Guess no more beer for him eh? I think Dinar's mum wouldn't have allowed him to marry her unless he converted. Which..seems logical, though - IMO, It doesn't really matter to me. But apparently it took a while for all this to occur, for even Dinar's mum Bu Tunggul to go and agree with all this. At first, she absolutely disagreed the relationship with so much spite. But now, I guess everything's okay, and it worked out well. I actually liked that. You know, it's nice - because you should've seen Dinar - she was happy, Alex was too. And I think it's good that the parents really, broke those walls we Indonesians often create, and crossed our own uncomfort for the purest sake of love. That's the true essence of parenthood I reckon.
And then I ended up alone at my dorm. I like to call it a bachelor pad, haha - It sounds funny. But I think because I've been with my parents for like 6 months, that I completely forgot how hard and let's face it - expensive living by yourself is. Especially the food. Anyway, but it was nice in a way. But today I'm off to come back to Bogor because - it's just boring there. Until I start uni. But I'll come back, it'll be like on and off, Bogor and Jakarta. But all of this isn't new to me at all, I know what it feels like to be alone, to live off independently. So, that's not really a problem. It's strange - I mean, I have my own place to live, I've got my own place to take care of! I feel old. And I feel like I'm being put far ahead than everyone else. I mean, most of my other friends are still living with their mums and dads and I'm probably on the same page as them yet I'll be living alone. It's strange, it's a strange feeling to have your own place. But it'll be a place for all my friends, you're all welcome to come by. Fariz you are SO crashing over. I've gotta learn to get around here, learn how to take the busway, know my way around Jakarta. It's a really big, BIG city - bigger than Sydney for sure. I mean, Jakarta alone has around 20 million people living there. That's as much, if not more than the whole of Australia. Population Density TO DA MAX!! Still - there's something about it which I quite like. I like how busy it is, I like how it's alive, everytime.
So that's what I've been up to, but there's been alot on my mind. I swear to god, I reckon my mind moves faster than my body, because it just does so much more things than what my body accomplishes. I don't move much, but I think...HEAPS! Onward to the second half -

I'm back!

2009-07-30T10:11:00.001-07:00

Finally. I'm back! Oh, I really missed my blog, and blogging too. I didn't bring my computer whilst I went to Tasik and Yogjakarta and I didn't have any time to go on the net. But here I am, safe, sitting down on my bed with my Mac in front of me. It's good to be home.

I don't think I should really recount my whole trip. It was quite long, especially the 6-hour car rides and train rides. At least it wasn't as painful as Bali, 30 hours on a bus. I'd rather die, or catch a plane at least. But the trip was fun. I mean, I think I actually enjoyed myself. It was really nice to see my relatives, some I haven't seen for a long time - so that was good. They all reckon I should play basketball, purely because I'm tall. It's a very indonesian way of thinking, I can remember twittering that and Isrien agreed with me. But it was good. We visited Tasik and then Yogjakarta. Now in Tasik, there's - there's really not much there. I mean, gosh, when we stayed there for the day, it honestly felt like the longest day in my entire life because, we just didn't do anything and so it felt really boring. We shopped - actually my mum and dad did - at this shoe place that's apparently well-known 'cause it's hand-made and authentic leather. But I didn't buy a pair, I regret that - I should've.

But when I was in Yogja I felt better. I'll say this: I like Yogjakarta better than Tasik. I'm sorry but that's my IMO. Yogja's just alot more lively - more fun - more things to do. And I think, I personally think, that I get along much more better with my mum's side of the family rather than my dad's - I don't know why. But we arrived there at 3 in the morning (we left Tasik at 11PM, train ride, 4 or 5 hours, thankfully we slept through it) and the first day we went to visit my Aunt and uncle from Banjarnegara. It's like 4 hours away by car from Yogja. It's a secluded place, but I reckon it's really nice. Very clean, they've got sidewalks that you can actually WALK ON!. Better than Bogor, where the sidewalks are like covered up by side restaurants. The only reason why Banjarnegara is oh-so beautiful, is purely because there's not alot of people there. Darn Indonesia and their population density. No wonder Jakarta's so fucked up.

In Yogja we shopped. Like, we really shopped. My mum especially, my goodness, she kept on throwing up money and more money and one transaction after another, buying all sorts of things. I don't mind her buying stuff, I think it's great, but when she buys in bulk, and you walk and stay around for hours, it gets abit tiring. But I did some shopping too, some sculptures and little stuff like that to decorate my room and my place up in Jakarta. After Yogja we came back to Tasik and immediately went home - and here I am.

Yeah, I've got a place now, did I tell you that? It's quite scary actually - I mean, I've got my own place. I feel really old saying that because like - all my other friends, well most of them like Fariz and Isrien and William and Pasha and Zain and Larry and Stefan and all - they're still living with their parents. Why am I always so different? :( - anyway, so I start moving in this weekend. Hope everything works out eh, I mean - I just hope it's a nice place, I think it's nice, I like the toilet. I'm sorry but in Indonesia, clean toilets - they're quite rare.

But anyway, I'm back. And I read Fariz's and Isrien's blog straight away 'cause I really missed them. Oh, it was so nice to hear from them. And guess what - I also received a letter from William too!! Just today actually, oh it was SOO NICE! William is seriously such an awesome person, so kind and I love him he' such a comedic genius. You all should read his letters. Him and Fariz, them two, they can capture comedy and that whole satiric feeling through their writing, it's amazing, I wish I could do that. Anyway, so I heard from William which was really really really really nice and I immediately wrote a reply. Though I want to send him some photos too so I might not send it til Monday or Sunday. But yeah - William, I miss him. I wrote this on the reply: I think I'm starting to forget what it feels like to have your best friend there with you. And I hate that. I mean, William - he's so special, and we've been friends for such a LONG time, he's been one of my closest and longest friends, and - I don't think I'll be able to have that here. I mean sure, I'll have my friends, some close, some not, obviously they provide me with company, a place to feel warm, to feel like you belong. Another thing with friends here, they provide me with dialogue, voices, sound - noises which cover up all the screaming and all the shouting that my heart yells out whenever I start to miss Australia. I mean, no one will ever replace my closest friends. No one.

Writing William's reply and reading his letter made me come back, run up to my shelf, take out my journals, and start reading. I read the entry about Hooters. I went to Hooters in Australia, way back - and it was in Parramatta, and it was such a fun night - I really enjoyed myself. I ordered the Hooters burger, and I kept on trying to have a sip of Ameerah's cocktail. Fariz and Zain had mediocre entrees, which I reckon they regret ordering. And we sang inside the car, Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, and Maroon 5! Another entry: the night before the last day of school. I kept on saying Thank You. Yeah, it really took me back. And I this is why I'm so glad I wrote all of this down, because reading all those entries, it really helps me get closer to that day, you know - suddenly you're there graduating again, watching everyone with their parents whilst you're alone - suddenly you're there with William and Pasha, reminiscing with easyway - suddenly you're in railway square at ten in the evening, and your greatest, sweetest friend tells you how you first met, in science class. I'm so glad I wrote all this down, somewhere to look back to, anytime.

I'll finish with something I've learnt. People often tell you "never look back" because it stops you from looking forward. Well, I disagree - I think, sometimes, looking back is part of moving forward, I think sometimes we need to look back in order to move. And another thing. Everything we do in our lives, they matter. I realised this ages ago, ages ago back in June when I finally got a chance to see my cousin Tory in Yogjakarta. And like we haven't seen each other for such a long time but - when we met, I mean, all that absence, all that time, it didn't change anything. We got along so well, and we talked for ages about family, about our lives, about the future. And you know, it probably had something to do with all those times that the both of us spent together, playing dragon ball z figures, reading comic books - all those moments, all those lengths of day we spend with each other, they resonate inevitably, even through time. And I like that - I like how, no matter what happens, what we've done or experience, will never leave us. Everything we do in this life, matters and resonates, through seconds, years, time.

It was on the menu

2009-07-24T10:50:00.001-07:00

I don't think we were doing anything wrong. I mean, we were at O Lounge and it was on the menu! Thankfully that picture doesn't have me in it. They ordered chocolate flavoured and - yeah. I had a puff. I dunno, the weird-arabian-looking thing really made you feel like you were smoking some pretty funky shit but - it was just chocolate. It only tasted chocolate for like, one second, one second only. Frankly I think it's a waste, but nevertheless an experience. That's Dhea and Shiera over there. I hope they don't see this, I totally feel like I'm radding them out. But...it was on the menu!. I'm always thinking I'm writing about something illegal. I wonder, is this the thing that Zain tried? I forgot. Fariz, please CLARIFY!.

Of course we didn't smoke....shisha all day. I rocked up at O Lounge at around half past one or something, right after friday prayer.YES, I did friday prayer. Unbelievable I know. I kinda like it now, I mean - I don't mind it. Something about praying, it gives you peace, standing on the same place for five minutes, quiet, solitude, peace. All my school friends were there already doing some Biology homework. I'm so glad I've finished school.

After that we just ate, and then did some karaoke - that was fun. But then I got stuck inside Botani Square because of the stupid Bogor rain. IT WAS POURING! So much, no wonder Bogor's called the Piss Pot of Java. Anyway because of that, I went down to the bookstore and bought myself a notebook. Empty notebooks attract me. I don't even know WHY I bought one, it was rather impulsive. But I liked it because it helped me write. I just wanted to write, against the rain, accompanied by yet ANOTHER Iced Lemon Tea with a glazed doughnut. Oh and speaking of which - after that time on my last blog post. I didn't go home. Instead I went and watched Public Enemies starring Johnny Depp with Dita and her little sis. It was good, I didn't mind the movie. I actually thought Billy Crudup was amazing, he had a supporting role. Christian Bale as the archetype man of justice, keeper of the peace, you could tell film noir was heavily embossed in this piece. Oh Film Noir, Extension English 1, sure takes me back. But there was something - I don't know - if any of you watch it. What do you think of the film? No not the cinematography, though I have to say, it was very hand-held, journalistic?. It reminded me of Children of Men and Michael Mann's last piece Collateral which had that same agitated camera direction. But it was the quality of the film...for a periodic piece...it seemed really - I dunno, modern? No, it just looked like TV-quality film. I don't know if you can tell, but just take a look. Maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway, so I started writing. And I wrote this short play, about Daniel and Adele. I was really inspired by their song "Water & A Flame". It's a great duet. Anyway, I should share it with ya. I'd like to actually, this blog's a nice place to vent your creativity, even though it might be bad as hell.

Tommorow at 4:30 in the morning I'm off with my parents to Tasik to visit my relatives. We're also gonna stop by to Yogjakarta too, which means I can try to see my cousin Tori again. I saw him last time I went to Yogja with my school. That was so nice. But I'm not gonna bring my computer, and apparently they've no computer, let alone internet there so - I guess I won't be blogging for a while. I could...try...blogging through mobile web on my phone. Hmm. But nevertheless, I'll be abit absent.

I guess that's it. OH! And I watched Forrest Gump last night. That's why I slept at around 3 in the morning because it only just started at around 1-ish. But I'm so glad I stayed up and watched it because it was such a great movie. Forrest is very similar to Benjamin Button, that whole style of hero and what he does through the ages, how the hero affects the world. But Forrest's director Robert Zemeckis, he did it right. David Fincher didn't. Anyway I loved the movie. It's one of those beautiful movies that in turn, makes you think about your life and contemplate about what you believe in, what you strive for. Anyway, that really made me think. About me, what I want. And - I'll just -

Yeah. That'll be it. Hope you all have a wonderful week next week. I shall write soon. Bacon Out

Pit-stop at JCo

2009-07-22T01:56:00.001-07:00

JCo. They don't have it over there in Australia. They've got krispy-kreme style doughnuts, the kind that clogs your bloog vessels. Anyway, I'm sitting here, in need of a nice break. I'm sipping their lemon tea. Hmm, not too bad not too bad. Certainly tastes different than starbucks. Could that be because of the Rp11,000 price difference? Who knows. Though the JCo one, tastes like Nestea, quite ordinary. Meh, the greatest thing about buying drinks at JCo is that you get a free glazed doughtnut. That's right, FREE GLAZED DOUGHNUT!. I'm surprised, I didn't think they'd be so nice. But anyway, obviously the doughnut was eaten quickly, in one bite almost. But I'm here, I've just had a really long morning and afternoon. I was off doing some volunteer work for AFS, making profiles for the 30 people that made it into the final selection. THese profiles we're making will soon be sent to the national office, where they will be distributed in order to find sponsors. It was pretty hard, especially considering that, well - I had to use Bahasa Indonesia. So, one profile took me almost forty minutes. Crazy.

I think I might head home after this. Yesterday I did some writing on the TV show. It's starting to get more concrete, the characters have more depth now, I like it. I'm so glad I did extension 2 english, because - that entire subject prepares you to do something like this, a creative project, full of reflection, evaluation, perfection. Right Zain? Right William?

I sent Will a Gossip Blast. Don't ask me what about. Well, Fariz would know.

I shall leave you with a few pictures taken from Photo Booth. Sorry, I've caught Indonesia's inevitable infatuation with pictures. We're very photogenic. We really are.

Cheerio. Bacon out then. I'm gonna head home. Oh, and we've paid for the dorm. I FOUND A PLACE! I dunno if I wrote that in my blog already but anyway - I'm gonna start moving in there from the first of August. I gotta Go. That's Dita with the glasses. She's gonna drop me home. YAYER! Bacon OUT! :D

Shopping!

2009-07-20T19:40:00.001-07:00

I seriously didn't expect to go shopping today. I mean, I knew that I was gonna go to Jakarta to find a place to stay but - well. The reason why we went shopping was because - well we found a place! The first place we went to was the perfect one. It's located in Kuningan, really quite close to where my dad works actually. Which..is good, right? That's not bad, that's good! Anyway, we saw the sign "Terima Kost" and so we went to have a look. It was a really nice place. Large bed, study table, and the toilet - that's what really got me. IT WAS SO CLEAN! You rarely see clean toilets here in Indonesia, I'm sorry but it's a true and down-right fact. Clean toilets here are as rare and as equivalent as finding four-leaf clovers. It's got a shower, HOT WATER!. I'm so excited about it now. Anyway, so tommorow my dad's gonna make the down payment and book the crib. Yay, I've got a place to live!

I'm excited because finally, everything's starting to fall into place. My uni's coming up, I've already bought SO MANY notebooks for school. Yayer, Kokuyo stationery are the best fuckin' stationery around. After that we headed off the Plaza Senayan. My dad heard about this massive sale and as you cal tell from figure 0.1 above, there was. Don't get fooled by the "Up to 80%". Because many of the stuff were still very expensive. I saw a shirt for like Rp 750,000. That's just - i mean, it was basically a green kitchen square-dot tablecloth being made into a shirt.

I WROTE THAT YESTERDAY!

I really did. But I got caught up with Fariz's conversation and Beaver's Skype call that I just - didn't get to finish. Anyway, the shopping was well good - I bought myself a sweater and a cardi, as well as a perfume, BVLGARI u know. And then..after that we went to Kinokunia. It's actually spelt KINOKUNIYA but for some reason - In Indonesia, they omit the Y....WHY?

That place is amazing but expensive. I mean, a book for Rp.400,000. Immediately when I told me dad the price of this book called "Grammar of Film", this reference book aout visual communicative and narrative techniques for film directors and editors, my dad laughed, and said a massive NO!. But it's not really - when you compare the prices here against Australia for example, they're quite ordinary pricing. But that's just it - you really shouldn't do that. Because Indonesia has alot, ALOT more lower currency and so if u just translate the prices to the dot, it just wouldn't make any sense. I didn't buy anything, though - I drooled at their CAMPUS STATIONERY LINE!. They've got this entire shelf for it, ohhhhh my GOD it was amazing!!

Anyway I really should finish because I'm actually running against time. I woke up at around 9, and I'm meant to be somewhere at 10. Thankfully I only have to take one angkot but still - I'm eating breakfast now. Anyways -

Just something for everyone to think about. A quote which came out of Fariz's sexy awesomeness:

No matter what, High School catches up.

I like that quote.

Morning Babble

2009-07-19T19:05:00.001-07:00

And I'm running late, I dont need an excuse, so I'm wearing my brand new shoes.

Morning everyone! I really wanted to do a blog post today, I feel like it's been a while. I woke up actually - quite early under my usual holiday "I'm STILL not doing uni yet" circumstance. 6AM. I woke up at around that time, and my parents went off somewhere. An hour later, after lying down on my bed thinking about all sorts of things, my housemaid arrives. An hour after that and my dad calls. He's asking for his spare car keys. I ask him "Why do u need it?". He's locked himself out, he left his car keys inside the car.

This has only happened TWICE: Once when I was going to the formal, and now this time. It's funny though, my dad's usually quite clumsy. I guess that's where I got all my clumsiness from. But I think with me, it's alittle bit more extreme. Maybe it's the whole trust thing, maybe that's why I leave my wallet and my mobile phone out like everyone around me are my good friends. When they're not, most of the time.

Today I'm gonna head to Jakarta to try and find a place to live again, yes another attempt, let's hope this time more vacancy shall arise. I absolutely hated last Friday. There was just - NO PLACES AVAILABLE! It really makes you feel shitty about the prospects of life, we Indonesia here call it Ma-De-Su. Masa Depan Suram. There's a short lesson on Indonesian colloquialism for ya.

And everything I'm not made me everything I am

I haven't written in my journal in AGES. It's been quite a long time, and I wanna write but - there's nothing to write - OH!!! There is. I just remembered. The AFS lunch was quite fun, and interesting. I ate so much. SOOO MUCH pizza. You should've seen me, gorging myself all these weird - THey have weird pizza toppings here. Beef and Corn. The Meatlovers, I still hesitate eating that 'cause in Australia it always had pork, whereas in here, well - And then corn and mayo...fish and chips...they were weird. Another note to point out in the handiful art and ethics of pizza-eating here in Indonesia: we dip 'em in sauce. You heard me right. Sauce, preferably the main two Ketchup and Chilli sauce, though the chilli sauce is never really chilli-spicy at all. But we use sauce when we eat pizza. I can remember the first time I had Pizza Hut here. It was with my cousins and when they all starting pouring the sauce all over their pizza I was like.. "WAT-DA-FUCK!?". I'm sorry, it's just - it's quite strange. But I'm used to it now, in fact I join with them sometimes, dipping our pizza with the sauce. I read Fariz's blog and Isrien's blog, haha, the morning cyber-paper. You should all take a look at Fariz's blog, because the way he writes - so detailed, it was such a delight to read his latest on going out with Zain and Julio and Asia? haha what an amazing name. It's like calling your second child Second. I would laugh SO hard if Asia turned out to be european. And Isrien's been excavating her creative genius through the wonderful drawing studies of her future husband. Yes you heard me Isrien, FUTURE HUSBAND. I can safely say now, that you are TOO GOOD for an Indonesian. That's just my IMO.

Sunrise, Sunrise, looks like morning in your eyes

Indonesian mornings are the best. It's the best time of day because, you can really see Indonesia. No smoke, no grey air. It's just pure blue sky against the lushious green, the busy street markets. I love it so much. It's such a pity though, that you can only see the greatness of it in the morning. I mean, when afternoon comes, suddenly the grey clouds come up at around three in the afternoon and it looks dark, everyone thinks it's night by six - which well, okay, maybe it is but SIX? Come on, I hardly see that as night-time. I can't wait to find a place and live by myself, but I'm also scared about it. Man, I'm gonna live by myself - like completely alone! It'll be quite freaky at first. You know all my friends think I'm the most independent one out of all of them - I don't think it's true. I think they only think that because of the lack of parents present for most of my life, especially my dad. But that's not being independent, that's just not having parents. There's no real sense of independency there I don't think, I'm just unlucky. I'm still getting to know my dad. Actually - I think it's gone past that now. I'm already moving out soon. But it's okay, I prefer it this way. I think because I'm so used to living without my parents, that it's alot more easier for me if I don't actually live with them. I'm already past all that, I'm already past that point in your life where a parents' presence is necessary because, well, it isn't, not anymore. Their existence is still without a doubt important to me, but their presence...am I making any sense?

There's some things I can't go without. I can't go without him

What a nice string of songs I've listened to. Paolo Nutini, Kanye, Norah Jones and now Nerina Pallot. My uncle just came, and I just gave the spare car keys to him. Let's hope today's gonna be a good day. Bacon Out.

Anything Goes

2009-07-18T06:25:00.001-07:00

Currently playing in iTunes: Past In Present by Feist

There's this soap opera, and one of the main character's actor's name is something Wildblood. Wildblood? For an Indonesian, that's just - a weird name. Today I spend the day thinking I'd end up seeing nothing I haven't seen before, but man - today was new. I went to this underground, well - it looked underground because it was so dark. But it was this bazaar, that's what the call it here, I'll call it a fatal-shopping-sale. Yeah, ESPRIT products. I don't know if they're authentic or not, but everyone insisted. By everyone I meant some of the volunteers from AFS. The main point of us going there was so we could buy as much as we can from the AFS budget, so that we could then sell it again at a modest price as part of the AFS fundraising. Now, I don't really know if that's allowed. It sounds like exploitation but - Ha, we live in Indonesia, anything goes. But we arrived there at around 12:15, and we stopped for lunch first on the side-road, bakso, yummy as. And our chapter president insisted that the doors wouldn't open until 1 in the afternoon, it would only open at 12 for staff only. Let me put that in bold: staff only. But you gotta remember though, anything goes!.

So what happened next, we rocked up there and guess what - it was open. It was dark, like this gigantic cave, this shopping mall that's been damaged and you could see it - all these rectangles of coat-hangers, empty. Where did the clothes go? In piles, piles and piles and piles and piles and piles amongst the hall like small ant hills. And groups of people were buzzing around them, congregating like greedy crowds, their eyes - seriously, I noticed their eyes - with Indonesia it's all about the eyes I reckon. Their eyes were so widened and large, it was almost scary. No, actually - it was scary. Really scary.

So, we did the best we could. Actually, THEY did the best they could, I didn't really look much. I was only looking stuff for myself. And surprisingly, I did manage to find some. I found a blazer which - though casual - i think it fits me. I don't care, no one wanted it, it looks good, and it's cheap. Saw a belt marked Rp.15,000 - why that's only two bucks - so I took that. Oh and this nice sky blue v-neck sweater, that'll go nicely with my polos. So, I did find some treasures.

After all that, I spent a really nice afternoon in Botani Square with Raka, Yeyen and Anin. I treated them ALL to some JCo Frozen Yoghurt. We talked about young marriages, travelling and - oh, Jakartians. They're really - I reckon Jakarta is like another country. It really is that different against any other place in Indonesia.

Currently playing in iTunes: A&E by Goldfrapp

It was a good day today. I'm happy with it. Tommorow there's gonna be a lunch at Pizza Hut for all the AFS Volunteers, all pizzas and chilli sauce paid for. It'll be great, I can't wait for it. I'm gonna bring my camera so all you guys can see. I hope I have fun tommorow.

Saturday Blog Part 1: ENFP

2009-07-18T05:57:00.001-07:00

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

Well. I took the test that Fariz suggested via his blog. I'm so glad he watched Harry Potter. Fariz, Isrien told me. Did u have a dirty mind just like William? 'Cause I sure did. My two favourites: the opening "we're dating" shot in the beginning as well as Harry "So you basically want professor Slughorn to collect me?". Oh that was hilarious. You see Fariz watched Harry with Isrien, Zain, Richard, Stefan and William. I'm so glad that they're all still hanging out, keeping in touch. It's nice to know.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

Man these guys know me, right from the bone. I sure do get excited about things. I'm not gonna deny that. Do I really inspire others? I don't think I do, how do I do that? I'm not one of those guys you see in infomercials selling these tapes of inspiration. Am I like that? I hope not. Yuk!

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

This one was interesting. I don't really know if I'm making judgements or not, but I certainly jump to conclusions. Not about people though, more about events, what's gonna happen. I feel like I'm tall enough to look out into the wilderness, even though I'm not meant to. Actually, now that I think about it, I rarely judge. But I could be wrong. Am I? Maybe that explains why I like - listen to all sorts of music. Classical. Jazz. Pop. R&B. Rock. Soundtracks. I'm listening to M.I.A now, just after I listened to Thomas Newman.Maybe it's 'cause I don't judge. But I could be wrong, right? right?

ENFPs are basically happy people. ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

That explains alot of things I can't really explain myself. I am a happy person. :)

ENFPs take their relationships very seriously, but also approach them with a childlike enthusiasm and energy. They seek and demand authenticity and depth in their personal relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort into making things work out. They are warm, considerate, affirming, nurturing, and highly invested in the health of the relationship. They have excellent interpersonal skills, and are able to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be. Energetic and effervescent, the ENFP is sometimes smothering in their enthusiasm, but are generally highly valued for their genuine warmth and high ideals.Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENFP's natural partner is the INTJ, or the INFJ. ENFP's dominant function of Extraverted Intuition is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Introverted Intuition.

So...who's INTJ or INFJ?

The Broken Lobby: A Dramatic Commemoration of the Jakarta Bombings of 17.07.2009

2009-07-17T07:40:00.001-07:00

(Click. The sounds of a busy and lively lobby: coffee cups chime against the glass tables, light chatter about the world around them, a flock of fruits displayed for a breakfast buffet. Teaspoons and forks, knifes with butter, a perfectly normal, everyday breakfast.)

Johnson: I think the business meeting will be a success, don't you reckon Scott?

Scott: I'm not sure though. Indonesians nowadays. Did you hear? Another two killed in Papua. I've already contacted Barr and he said the jobsite's making sure no media comes anywhere close to our -

Johnson: They're just afraid, afraid of not realising how much they've lost. Giving in, we're helping them, supporting them, giving them jobs, giving them stability, a life, a dream.

(Fast foward.)

Nia: Hey Maya, I should tell you. Deden and I - we're getting engaged!

Maya: Oh really? Congratulations! So when's the date?

Nia: This September. It'll be perfect, the perfect guy, my parents love him as well, they all think I've made the right choice. Oh I'm so happy Maya, I'll be married soon.

Maya: You're so lucky you've already found your guy.

Nia: Oh! He's calling me right now. Maya cover my post!
Maya: No, I'm meant to go soon, my mother's asked me to help her shop. My shift finishes in another two minutes!

Nia: Please, It'll only be a sec. Just stand behind this table and smile. That's all it takes to be a waitress. Oh and don't forget to give an even amounts of fruits, that means everyone's gonna have papaya on their plates no matter what!

Maya: I'm not good at english.

Nia: Maya, we're in Indonesia. No one's good at english. Hello? Adifz, aduh sayangku apa kabar? Iya, iya, aku baru nyampe. Afidz di mana? Di Senayan? Lagi ngapain? Aduh sayang, ga usah repot. Tunggu sayang ya? Maya, If you need me I'll be outside.

(fast forward)

Johnson: Did you call your family last night?

Scott: Yes I did actually. They seemed fine. My oldest daughter's graduating next month, we're all very excited. My wife's planning a surprise party for her, we're inviting all of our relatives over in California.

Johnson: Business trips, they get you down don't they?

Scott: Sometimes. I'm only staying here until tommorow morning. Today's my last day.

Johnson: Mine too.

Scott: Have you called your family yet?

Johnson: Oh, there's always time for that. I hope to do it in the evening.

Scott: Why won't you do it now, at least while you've got the time.

Johnson: No it's fine. They know I'll be alright.

Scott: You sure?

Johnson: Yeah.

(Fast forward)

Maya: Thank you. Have some fruit. Thank you. Would you like some fruit? Thank you. Thank you. Oh, orang Indo! Makasih ya. Thank you. Have some fruit. Thank you. Oh Nia, where are you! I've gotta go and meet my mum. Oh! Hello sir, would you like some fruit?

Scott: Yes thank you I'd love some.

Maya: Here ya go. Thank you.

Scott: Thank you.

(Fast forward)

Johnson: Did you see that man over there?

Scott: Which man?

Johnson: There. That man. He's wearing a hat inside. It's strange isn't it, you wouldn't expect someone western to forget their manners, even in a place as filthy as this.

Scott: It's not that filthy. Haven't you been to Bali?

Johnson: I think he's going home. He brought his luggage.

Maya: Rudi, have you seen Nia? Still outside? Fine then. Hello, would you like some fruit? Thank you. Some fruit? Thank you. Thank you. Nia, where are you? Oh! Sorry. Have some fruit? Thank you. You have a nice hat there.

(Fast forward. Dust. Silence. Fruits splattered everywhere, meshed against the white tablecloth. A right arm hangs beside a broken fallen-down chair, blood dripping. Johnson's head has cracked, his brain visible, his eyes open. Beside him, Scott's body has been stabbed by the broken window glass which spread across the room. He breathes one last breath, looking at the chipped wooden ceiling, the falling of small dust and wood. Maya's body is huddled in between the wall and a large pillar which once stood to keep the room in its place. Her face and chest are slowly being squeezed by the pillar. Nia looks back, and hangs up, alive.)

Madagascar 2

2009-07-17T06:47:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to make this blog post as comfortable and relaxed as possible. Everyone knows what happened in Jakarta, stupid fuckin' little piece of shits. I was quite close to the hotel because I was with my dad at his work and the building's close to the Ritz Carlton. Enough about that, I don't what any of that stupid irrationality to intrude my blog. There's no point talking about the worst things in life, it'll only make things worse. This song's from Madagascar 2. Put it on repeat, let it accompany today's reading. I'll always remember this movie well because it was the last movie I watched with Zain. Quite sad isn't it? Well, it's okay really, at least I watched it with him. Dare I recount that faithful glorious day, the last day before a set of three became a pair of two? Let me get my journal out, maybe that'll help.

Ahem.

I watched Madagascar 2 with Zain and Fariz. Ameerah couldn't go, her father went to the hospital. later I learnt that Isrien's grandpa was getting sick. The movie was really good, though it was, there was so much which kinda reminded me about alot of things. Them arriving in Africa, "where they belong". The giraffe's in love with a hippo. That was sweet. Anyway, that was nice. It's nice hanging around with them two. Oh, and I told about it as well.

I told them about my dad's sudden circumstance which meant that I had to come back to Indonesia. I actually wrote more than that, alot more, but they're all senseless rambles. Oh, here's a good one!

When me, Fariz and Zain hanged at Victoria Park and Zain said "this is probably the last time" and whilst Fariz tried to make it all "no, it won't be!" I kinda agreed with Zain. Because last night, the redundancy thing, the fact that I'm gonna have to come home, it didn't really hit me.

And to be honest it really didn't. It wasn't until - Oh - this is a sad piece of writing:

I remember with Zain and Fariz, "it seemed inevitable" one of them said that.

It wasn't until I called William up and asked if I could see him because I wanted to tell him the news too. And I called him up and - he was with Stefan, and Larry and Anthony Lew and Justin. And they were all at KFC right? And I asked if I could see William but he said he couldn't that time coz he was busy. And I was like "what were you guys up to?". William said "bushwalking". I really wanted to go bushwalking with them y'know? Stefan and Larry were buying drinks, whilst Justin bought a snack. Anyway, in the end, I didn't see him that day. And that killed me. That moment, after i hung up, that's when the word 'redundancy' really cut me deep.

Oh what a sad day that was. But it's okay, in the end I told William anyway so that was good. I'm sorry - I just completely divulged into my own pace of mind. I was just reading Fariz's blog, oh - everyone please read it! www.typicalantics.blogspot.com - it's a great blog, so entertaining! And Fariz if you're reading this Thank you SOOOOO MUCHH. You are such a sweet gentleman, honestly, one of a kind -

I'm really liking this youtube Music accompaniement Idea. I wanna write something. A commemoration.

I'm sorry. I can't help it. :(

Harry! <3

2009-07-13T10:44:00.001-07:00

I realise now, I like writing in the night. There's something about it: the peacefulness, the dark calm, the - the lack of sound surrounding you. I think that's why I preffered to study late at night during my HSC. It was nice, because everyone was asleep. Oh that's it too - that's what I like - I like staying up later than everyone else, and I'm the only one awake. I don't know why I like it so much, but I feel alot more relaxed.

I just read Isrien's blog, and I think my letter has made her fall down to the past. Hmm, sometimes that's good, sometimes it isn't. If I've made you feel upset through nostalgia I'm so sorry Isrien! I didn't mean to. She wrote a five page letter, that's almost as much as I usually write.

Still. That's what you get when you fall back on the past, isn't it? You get exactly that: Mixed Emotions. It's good to look back, to look at what's behind you, but I guess it's not healthy if you look at it for too long. We don't walk with our heads on our backs, no we keep looking - far far into the distance. I'm looking at the distance now and guess what? I see more distance. Distance distance distance, it's taking over me.

I'm listening to Sarah Blasko's new album As Day Follows Night. Everyone, please please - PLEASE - listen to it. It's an amazing album! I love its simplicity, its dream-like atmosphere it creates within the layers upon layers of piano, drums, strings and bass. My favourite tracks at the moment would have to be the opening "Down on Love" and "Sleeper Awake", the elctric piano against the strings make a wonderful lullaby I reckon.

Everyone's been getting lucky. Larry's got a girl. Pasha's got an iPhone. Fariz's got a niece. Nothing's changed with me though, nothing lucky has happened, luckily. You could probably count Bali as one pretty lucky streak but, nah. I'm going to uni in like less than two months! Man, I'm scared. I hope I can like - make friends and all that - because I have this unusual but logical feeling that in turn makes my stomach crumble. I'm different, I've always been. I like - scream out randomly everywhere, and I certainly dress funny that's for sure. Could I be the only one that's willing to wear the Balinese udeng out to Starbucks and such? I haven't yet but I am desperately tempted to though. I just hope I make friends, i've heard Jakartians are alot more different than Bogor-siders and all that. *sigh*

More adaptability.

Oh

Oh!

OMG!! EVERYONE HARRY POTTER IS COMING THIS WEEK! EVERYONE PLEASE WATCH IT FOR ME! Australia, watch it for me!

I've already figured it out. I'm not sure when Harry Potter's gonna premiere here in Indonesia but starting from the 15th this wednesday, I'm gonna go to the theatres every morning to check if it's out, and if it is - I'm gonna buy the tickets and buy some for my friends and cousins who's coming to watch it with me and - we'll watch it in like the COOLEST seat ever, and then we'll all leap for joy and cry and laugh at amazement and be glorified in watching the coolest thing ever!! Everyone, please, WATCH IT FOR ME!

Oh Harry I love you! Bacon out! *expelliarmus!*

I Guess I Like to Write

2009-07-11T11:22:00.001-07:00

I just finished replying William's reply. That felt really good. A good two or three hours spent on writing. I really like writing, I've only started realising this now. I mean - But i'm not into writing narratives, though I do enjoy writing scripts. I've always been more interested in dramatic writing rather than narrative. I have no idea where that started, I think the first script I wrote was - Hmm. I have no idea. But I've written loads actually, most of the stuff I don't even finish. That usually happens, I start them, but then it never ends. It just stops. Which is something I feel quite guilty about sometimes, I wish I had the strength and the motivation to finish what I start. The quite rare ones are the ones that actually have an ending. Some do, some don't. The endings are usually rushed. But I've realised, I've written - quite a lot.

I kept diaries,journals, stuff which recorded different parts of my life. Much like this blog actually. I have this journal, dated 14.12.2006. It chronicles the time I went back to Indonesia for Pruni's wedding. It then got cut off - and suddenly you're in 5.07.2007. A time of many highlights, my $1000 mobile bill all the way to that time when I wanted to leave. Something happened.

Goodness me - That was such a long time ago! Part of the reason why I write so much, is so that in the future, I can read them back to myself. Maybe, just in case I get Amnesia or something, this could help me remember. I just reckon - all of us, human beings. We move too fast, faster than clouds, than stars or oceans. We move so quick and fast in time, that we often forget about small things, little things. We move about everyday and we rarely find time to stop and think - to become the stationary and watch the world spin around in front of you. That's what I feel like whenever I write, I feel like I'm this modest spectator of the world around me. I am my own historian.

Anyway, today I spent my night with my three cousins Septi, Shelva and Shilvi. We had dinner at Warung Taman and then headed for Frozen Yoghurt at Jco, played some games at Botani Square before we had some chill-out drinks at Mackers down in Lodaya. It was a good night. I enjoyed myself.

Whoah - it's one already. I woke up at 11 today - probably because I slept at around 3 that morning, I was singing...yeah - I was singing for two hours in the early wee morning because I felt like it. And I've learnt now - I'm absolutely HORRIBLE at singing! Argh, and I don't want that. Especially when I've got to write a song that's reasonable to listen to for Stefan. Far out, I sound really bad. Which is why Stefan, if you are reading this, I shall be taking singing lessons just for you. Well, for me too. But it's mostly for you. You and your guitar - the two reasons why I wanna sing the world out.

I better go now. But before I leave you. Here's some random bit of dialogue written on my journal. Don't know What the hell I was thinking. Enjoy.

Buttboy: You know the feeling you get everytime you're in a dream. You just feel like you know everything. That's the reason why you get a lousy headache every morning. Because in your dreams, the knowledge moves in and pushes out every single time.

Christian: How do you know all this?

Buttboy: That's what happens whe you're in a dream. You see things in such a way that it melts your heart and you just wish you could stay. But you can't. Because reality is a burden, not a privilege sweetheart. I can look at you right now and tell you things you wouldn't think is rational but in reality it makes perfect sense.

Christian: What? What is it? What do you see?

Buttboy: I see...I see...I see a young man who's about to truly fall in love.

Christian: But I'm already in love, with my girlfriend Ria.

Buttboy: Are you sure of it? (Pause) You can't let it go to waste dear, True Love is too valuable. It only happens once in your life. But because Men are such fuckin' arrogant bastards, they can't tell which one's which.

Christian: So I won't know -

Buttboy: - If this is the right one.

Christian: Huh.

Buttboy: See: Stupidity. Humanity. Reality.

I am so weird.

Arrived from Bali

2009-07-10T11:10:00.001-07:00

I wasn't actually intending on writing a blog post now. I'm currently uploading my photos onto Flickr, It's already almost one, and just a few hours ago I arrived home from Bandung, from Bali. GOsh, that was a long trip. Though I have to say, it felt alot more quicker than when we left from Bandung to Bali. That ride took ages. Hated it.

I'm at home. FINALLY! I really missed my room, and my queen-sized bed. I know sometimes I feel abit lonely sleeping on it but, nothing beats your own bed right? Right? And Guess what! - I was also welcomed with a letter and I read it - William replied! That really made my night - week - month - I don't care. It was so good to hear from him. He was scared that the letter might get into the wrong hands, say for example, the school bullies I told him about - and so he decided to call me Jack. Haha, that didn't last long but - it was such a hilarious letter. William is probably the funniest person I know. I miss him so much goodness me - but I can't believe he wrote back! I'm sorry but it's quite rare u know, I know everyone's all busy with their own lives, so I don't really expect to get replies from people but - when I do - it feels so nice.

So, That was a good trip. Canon's accompanying this blog at the moment and - Though I only stayed in Bali for just over a week, I was pretty satisfied. I shopped ALOT. ALOT! And most of them were gifts for my friends - sarungs, shirts, jewellery. They're all actually neatly packed and wrapped beside me in the living room, just waited to be handed out. Blue Fields by Nobuo Uematsu. I suppose I should tell you what I did in my last few days -

Nothing really. Only just seeing about. We had this one day where we went all around places; from the top of the mountain to seeing the new Kuta Beach and having dinner at D'Cost. And then, well - Sadra, Eric, Regina, Majma and I for our last night in Bali. We went to Kuta and haha - literally took pictures of ourselves jumping off the sands. Everyone was looking, this was like at around half past eleven at night, the night wasn't dead, clubs were banging, people were banging each other, it was very much alive. And then we had Starbucks and - OH - OH! - I also got to meet Olle!!

Ahh, they're uploaded. Here. Take a peek.

There. That should do it. It you wanna take a closer look please feel free to check out my Flickr account. I got to see Olle for only around half an hour, but it was SOOO good to hear from him, to see him. I personally think it'll be quite rare for me to get a chance to meet my friends again you know, especially my friends from Australia so - I was pretty lucky. Did I tell you though, Rizwan and Noel might also come to Jakarta for a visit too. Man..that really freaked me out. I don't know if they're still coming, I hope they are - It's got something to do with Riz's work so - I have no idea why, I don't care really - I WANNA SEE THEM!

William told me I've "been travelling alot". Yeah, I guess I have - I think that's pretty cool though, I don't mind travelling, going to places you've never been before. Although I'm not doing much travelling anyway, I'm only going around Indonesia. But it's amazing though - if this is just Indonesia - imagine the whole world. What a landscape.

I really missed Bogor, and all my friends over here too. I can't wait to see them. Didit, I gotta see ya! Febri and Yeyen as well. Anin and Lydia I miss too! And there's also my school friends, like Ichi and Bella. Bella, you've got a blog, so do I! We gotta follow each other. I gave Olle a udeng, or that thingy Balinese men wear on their heads to give to Beaver. Beaver, I hope you get it soon.

Did I get anything out of Bali? Yeah, I think so. Well, other than the massive amounts of shopping I've done, I've also written alot. I read alot too, almost there with The Seducer's Diary and I managed to learn the entire Daughters song in its entirety. Bali is certainly a great place to stop and think, to imagine and create. To be honest, when I have money, which hahaha - I really hope I do in the future - I wanna take all my friends here, especially my friends from Australia. Fariz, Zain, William, Isrien, Pasha, Stefan, Larry, Beaver, Emma, Michelle, Kristy - absolutely everyone. I think Bali's a great place to congregate anything that's warm to you: friends for instance.

Ahh, I think that'll be it. I'll wrote more tommorow. I gotta write in my journal too. Tommorow I've got my cousins coming over in the late arvo, that'll be nice. I promised to take them out for dinner, which I intend on doing tommorow night. I hope you all have a good day tommorow. Bacon out.

Notes from an empty Afternoon

2009-07-05T18:18:00.001-07:00

Songs

1. Kids - MGMT

2. Use Somebody - Kings of Leon (New Years)

3. Dengarkan Curhatku - Vierra

4. Bergila - Twenty First Night

5. Wasted - Angus and Julia Stone

6. This Modern Love - Bloc Party (Season finale)

7. The Scientist - Coldplay (The news)

8. Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun

9. Keep Your Head - The Ting Tings (Expulsion)

10. Resah Tanpamu - Titi Kamal Feat. Anji Drive

12. Coyotes - Jason Mraz

13. My Same - Adele

Characters so Far:

1. The Australian Exchange Student

2. The Love Interest - a returnee from America

3. The Love Interest's Best Friend

4. Class-friend

I should give them names, an identity. But names are always the hardest to start off with. Having to choose a name, it's almost like creation. I get hesitant because I'm scared I might choose the wrong name, one that doesn't fit. There's so much in the name itself, it's ridiculous.

1. Jim. David. Eric. Lucas. Luke. Thomas. Joshua. Richard. Patrick. Joseph. Pete. Peter. Robbins, shane. Peter Shane Robbins.

2. Maya. Dina. Saskia. Saskia. Amanda. Saskia. Saskia Amanda Pratama

3. Cinta. Cinta Dinata-Putri

4. Mohammed. Mohammed. Ecky. Andin. Surya. Suharto. Mohammed Andi Saputra.

AGES ago - on Channel Nine

2009-07-04T20:55:00.001-07:00

That was in Tanah Lot. I went over there to visit the sunset yesterday. That was quite nice actually. Sitting down in the sofa now. It's already July everyone! Isn't that quick! Fuck, I'm really surprised just how fast everything's gone, time isn't as patient and slow-moving as the clouds you see up in the sky. It's alot more quicker, like flight. Today I woke up quite and immediately swam my thirty laps. I really like this whole swimming routine, and I reckon swimming' good for you, right? I think so. I don't know what it does but - all I know is, I feel good after. Maybe it's the endorphins. Don't endorphins..make you happy?

I watched three episodes of Six Feet Under and Wall-E yesterday. I slept at around half past three in the morning, and you know what - I prayed! Yeah, I prayed Isha, like, probably an hour or two before I had to pray subuh. Well, it didn't matter - I wanted to pray 'cause I haven't prayed for a long time, since I left to Bali. It's like that to me. I feel abit guilty when I don't pray - because usually when I do, good things start to happen. Call it the official insurance of the metaphysical, the afterwards. Praying just makes you feel like everything's looked after, peace of mind.

Have you ever watched Six Feet Under? I've been a long fan of it - but I've never really watched the series in its entirety, let alone a season. What really pulled me to the show was when I watched it one night, long long like - AGES ago - on Channel Nine I think, and I saw the opening titles of the series.
It looked absolutely breath-taking. Seriously, it' amazing, the amount of detail and the imagery and just - how everything seemed like an array of different images, which all created this line towards death. You all should see it, YouTube it or something I think they have it there. It's amazing. AND the music - "opening theme by Thomas Newman". I so knew it, you could tell it came from his genius. The percussion, the oboe.

Anyway - yesterday I bought myself a copy of their first season, which was like - way back in 2001. I've only watched three episodes and it's great. I wanna see it all. I wanna see the entire five-season series!! Alan Ball is fuckin' awesome too. He created the series and just - the whole concept of it you know. I wish I could do that. I wanna write the way he writes. The way he blurs the real and the unreal, the dead and the living, I wanna do that.

Wish I could be good at writing. Guess I'll have to learn. I'll start with this.

Yes yeah we're moving on, moving right along

2009-07-04T20:22:00.001-07:00

I think everyone should listen to Lior's This Old Love. I wanna put the lyrics here - it's got abit of presence now, especially this time of day.

Yes, yeah we're movin' on
Looking for direction
Mmm mm we've covered much ground
Thinking back to innocence
I can no longer connect
I don' t have a heart left to throw around

I'm stil in Bali, it's already been the second. This morning I woke up and straight away went to the pool and did thirty laps. I'm quite proud of myself actually, it's an achivement. I seriously haven't done any exercise in like YONKS! I'm inside my room, sharing with four little juniors. They're all playing Mortal Kombat, trying out the fatalities, seeing different ways to kill each other.

Oh, and time moves on like a train
That disappears into the night sky
Yeah, I still get a sad feeling inside to see the red tail lights wave goodbye

Yesterday I did quite alot. In the afternoon I went with Majma to Pasar Seni Sukawati. They were selling all sorts. I actually only wanted to buy gifts. I've got a long list, and most of them are girls. There's the AFS crew, peepz from school and let's not forget my three cousins. Yesterday I bought the gifts for my AFS friends, sarung bali. They look nice, but God I hope they like it. I then bought myself some shirts (wearing bali shirts for Uni...would that be considered illegal. Meh, I fuck that) and some bags too. It's small and batik - I love it.

We'll grow old together
We'll grow old together
And this love will never
This old love will never die

But last night Majma, Sadra and I went over to Jazz Cafe, had some drinks and relaxed whilst the band played some acid Jazz (Jamiroquai to be exact). It was nice, I wouldn't mind coming back there again. But I kept on thinking about other things, my mind wasn't staying still, kept on going 'round places, imagining the Aussie landscape, trying to feel the Hyde Park breeze. Yeah, I was thinking of Australia. We all were thinking about it actually, but - I think to me, everything that is Australia, ultimately becomes this beautiful picture you watch over your binoculars. Haha, oh no - here I am again, rambling on over nonsense. The Balinese landscape have a way of making you feel so drugged up that anything that speaks out of your mouth, whilst incorrect and abstract, there's some authenticity to it. There's always some truth in everything, even in lies.

Morning comes
Sometimes with a smile
Sometimes with a frown
Yeah so I never want to worry
If you're gonna stay around

Today I want to hear from my friends again. If you're reading this and you're from Australia, please, - give me a shout. I become fatigued with silence sometimes, I guess that's what you get when you write letters but rarely get replies. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But I guess they're all busy, which is true - They've got something to wake up for, I haven't.

I think I remember writing this to Isrien one time about the act of lettering, you really need both sides to complete the movement. Balance, right Isrien? I miss William, I miss the way his presence gives so much sense and rationality, he doesn't need to speak, just give one of five looks and suddenly you can move forward now. I actually tried to call him randomly one time but he didn't pick up, obviously God was telling me "No. No Pigar. Not today". Bloody hell. But I wanna call him, I need his new-age, scientific wisdom. Hopefully I can see Olle soon. Want him to take me out, get me numb. Oh and everyone should congratulate Larry on his newfound love. Oh, it's about time really - he deserves a great girl.

Yes, yeah we're movin' on
Movin' right along

Blogger Notes

2009-07-02T06:29:00.001-07:00

So, I knew that I didn't get to blog so I wrote on my mobile instead. Here it is - Now that I look back on them, gosh, so much can be thought in such a short time.

Blog Update #1

This is the first night. Something tells me that by the end of th ten-day trip, I'll learn somethiing new. Become someone different. This to me, all feels like a test. Something's trying to break me down, i can feel it around the corner. I think i'm creating my own challenge. I hope I can get to see Olle.

Blog Update #2

Well. At a pitstop. I just had some food. I need to eat quite alot so I stay fit and healthy. But I'm starting to feel better now. The bus right isn't even halfway yet. This is definitely something new to experience. Won't know when I'll be able to post this -
Hope you're all okay. I just got an idea for the serial, I think someone should die, from a motor bike accident, someone everybody loves to watch.

Blog Update #3

We've past Yogja now. I really hope I can have fun in Bali. I actually wanna relax there too u know. Read a book against the warm sun or something, I don't really wanna go touristy and travel around. So, relax by day, party hard by night. That'll be a good idea' don't you think? I kinda hope I don't get forced to go around or something like that. I have to - I absolutely HAVE to go and visit Olle no matter what.

Blog Update #4

I talked to Zain for almost half an hour just then. It's a waste to talk about him. That's it. Leave it. I'm gonna start running, running to a new face. I want her now.

Okay. My phone's gonna die so I might as well write now. It's almost to an end.We're gonna go to the ferry and then..another 3 more hours. Did i tell you - hmm.. Last night i was like really worked up on going after her. But i don't want that anymore..it slowly died out. But I know one thing, I am gonna have fun - and wait. I'll always wait. Okay, seriously this is what I'm gonna do. First, Mandi. Charge Mobile. Finish my Book!! That'll be my goal for today. There's a swimming pool in front of the bungalow apparently, so I might do that too.

The Morning Blues

2009-06-28T20:30:00.001-07:00

Morning everyone. Today I was actually meant to go to Jakarta with my dad but, I woke up too late. I woke up just an hour ago, nine in the morn. Angus and Julia's playing, what a relaxing duo. I'm feeling quite bored today, I just asked Didit and Yeyen and Febri to have lunch together somewhere. Oh that's right, today I should be packing for tommorow. I'm heading over to Bandung tommorow and then the next day to Bali. I'm excited, it'll be a nice vacation, another layer inside this long holiday of mine.

Yesterday I had dinner at the D'Leuit restaurant. I like that, I like how now, I can just spend time with my family just like that, in an instant. It feels good to have them on call. But I had an awful night last night though, terrible. You read that last entry - I just felt really weird. I felt behind it all, taking in the expelled air everyone's breathed before. I'm sitting down right here - for the past five or so months. I haven't learned anything new. And I hate that, because - I don't feel like I've gotten any older.

But I'm probably over-thinking, right? Yeah, I reckon I am. Though with excessive thinking, you have to admit, there is some authenticity there. Probably. Not sure, but who knows. I guess that's what I need to do. Learn something new - I just have this scary thought that when I meet my friends from Australia again, they'll all have these massive blocks of stories to tell me, and I won't have any, not a single paragraph. I wish I was as great as they are right now. -

I've already written a letter to Larry and Isrien. Now onto Emma and her family. I actually wanna send one to Fariz and Zain too, just to say hello. Hope they're alright, hope everyone's alright. They're all probably enjoying the calm silence of no Pigar. I really do make places loud.

Bacon Out.

"Except for me."

2009-06-28T10:18:00.001-07:00

Before I go to sleep, can I just say this. As I'm watching everyone move about, time runs through them. They've all grown up and turned into so much more. Except for me. I haven't changed one bit, I don't feel like I'm getting any older and taller like the rest of them. I think I'm still the same person as I was, seven months ago. That's bad, isn't it?

Ben and Macy Watch

2009-06-28T09:58:00.001-07:00

(Click. Sound Effects: The cold windy air, birds flying by welcoming the two brokenhearts. A faint but inaudible piece of music is heard from afar. Ben and Macy are watching their love from a far away distance. From point A to B, they're all watching him move about. Put on his shoes. Fall down. Stop and think. Their distance covers their desperate presence, though this is indefinitely unclear.)

Macy: Look! There he is - wait, is that him? I'm sure that's him. He sure looks different though. More taller, his feet's more sustained on the good ground. But his head's more high, no false frowns or unhappy downs. He - he looks happy.

Ben: Well of course he's happy.

Macy: How sad.

Ben: Ironic isn't? Like polar opposites, this glamourous tennis court where one's green isn't as green as the other. His green against our green, what's the difference?

Macy: Well - for one thing this place is muddy. Look at his - It's like Beethoven's "Pastorale"; green grass, new blue skies, not a strange in sight. I wish I was there with him.

Ben: Do you think he knows we're watching?

Macy: Who knows. Hey - Maybe he's watching us?

Ben: That's silly. I think he knows Macy.

Macy: I don't care. Once I come back -

Ben: I don't think we'd be welcome.

Macy: You never know Ben. He might say hello to us again.

Ben: I doubt it.

Macy: What makes you so sure of yourself?

Ben: Macy. He played us two. Said "No" to you and "Yes" to me. This all feels like one sick and useless battle of unfinished business.

Macy: Forgive and forget Ben.

Ben: No. No - I can't. I've tried Macy. You know happens to me before I sleep? I start to think. About popcorn, and then present events, and then - somehow through the sensitive metaphysical fabrics of the human rationale - I think about him. And then I wake up. I imagine: of me meeting him again, saying hello again, hearing his voice again, listening to his colourful wit. It never stops Ben. My race of thought continues to race, and my feet goes along with it, walking, walking, walking like I'm imagining myself on the move. And so I imagine, and reminisce, creating this dot-painting of everything we've shared. Places, faces, talking about braces. I've had enough. I'm sick of looking at his photos and his letters, knowing that everything is all temporary.

Macy: Well of course it's temporary. They're photos Ben, what do you expect?

Ben: Anything but the ill-feeling nausea of self-contemplation. All it does is capture one moment, one single moment in the vast continuum of time that - there's no point in keeping these silly illusions. They'll only make you blind and faithful. No. I can't be bothered looking at him from far away.

Macy: Oh Ben look! He's going somewhere - past the street, wearing his shiny white shoes - I think he's rolling up against a hill.

Ben: Are you even sure that's him?

Macy: Of course. Yes. Maybe. I think so.

Ben: I'm going. I don't wanna watch anymore. I've had enough Macy, I'm gonna start running now. Run after her.

Macy: Why? wait - BEN!

(Ben runs off. Macy's alone, stil holding her binoculars tight and warm)

Macy: I don't care. I don't care Ben. If it's gonna hurt me in order to keep on going, I don't care. I'll keep wearing my binoculars, I'll keep watching from afar. It'll be okay. I'll come back. I'll say hello. I'll give him a hug, I don't care. But I understand though, he's got his own friends, I've got mine, Ben's got his. Its inevitable for us to move apart, that's just how life goes. But no matter how far I am, or how hurt I feel, I don't care. All I care about is him.

(Macy listens to the faint tune. She remembers the name)

Macy: "Summer In The City". Regina Spektor. "I start to miss ya, baby sometimes."

(Macy continues to watch. Click.)

Country Road Stripes

2009-06-27T11:46:00.001-07:00

So that's what I bought just then. There was this midnight sale happening at Plaza Ekalokasari. And they were having these discounts all around the plaza for three special hours between nine 'til midnight. My cousins actually asked me to come, and so I did, and I brought my parents along. I really love the new pair of chucks, they sure remind me of Country Road, I have no idea why. I think it's got something to do with the strokes, those thin expensive stripes you see on Road attire. I like the cardigan's colour, and that white shirt seriously feels great on you. The two CDs are albums from the two bands that I watched yesterday: Twenty FIrst NIght and Maliz N D'essential. I only just listened to the Nights one, turned it on whilst I was taking a shower. I like their jazz/funk feel. You should go check it out, they've got an awesome CD cover too!

I wanted to go shopping to buy new stuff for uni. Yeah, which means - it's coming soon, right? right? Well, it's not really. September's still quite far - but it's already coming into July. Then August. And then - September. So I guess it is coming soon. I'm feeling quite nervous actually. I haven't even found a place yet to stay in Jakarta!

Today all I did was stay at home, write in my journal, twitter, write that short commemorative play on Michael Jackson. Zain and Isrien liked it. That was quite surprising. I actually wanna write more letters, to Larry, Emma and her family. Guess I'll do that tommorow.

I haven't told you about the concert eh? Well -

It was okay. Not too bad. Though I can say that Indonesian concerts are poorly organised. I mean - we rocked up at around seven, and the main performance, Maliq - they didn't start showing up til around ten. And what was in between? Supporting bands, all clogged up in three hours, some played two, others played seven. I'll be honest, some were good. Like Twenty First Night. This band called Music Men had a sax, which reminded my of Allan. You what else reminds me of him, Adrien Brody. I swear they're alike. There was this really cool guitarist from this band called Microwave. That doesn't make any sense. But I just got peeved at how late the main performance came. Though the whole experience hasn't turned me off Indonesian concerts, I can only give my optimistic faith that maybe next time it won't be as dragging.

I'm heading off to Bali next week. That'll be fun. Does that mean I won't be able to blog? Hmm..I wish you could blog from a mobile phone. Is that possible? I know I can tweet easily, everyone's right, Twitter's addictive. No wonder John Mayer's so hooked into it. I'll take pictures and I'll show 'em to ya. I gotta take pics for Katherine too.

So, Today was a good day. Let's hope tommorow's gonna be the same yeah? Oh, to close this - I'll put up the note I wrote in like the middle of the concert. I was below air-conditioning, that felt really nice.

Music to Buy & Listen
Microwave. Music Men. Twenty First Nights.

I'm still at the concert. It's around quarter to 11. Australia, and the world, Don't trust Indonesian Concerts. They're not very good. Just the organisation..it's very bad. I mean. It started at seven. It's now half past ten, almost eleven. There's...dancing..some bands played too much. And there's dancing..no wonder people look down on them. They have no place to present their skills. I mean, i understand they're all creations, but there's a time and place for everything, and dancing - i'm sorry, just isn't in a concert. I feel for them actually. no wonder it's looked down upon. Now i realise, when i'm organising a concert, only one support band, then our performance. No corruption. especially no dancing. i'll make up another showcase for that. I wonder who did the choreography..? Hmm, most of the dancers don't even know their steps. Hmm, never put a dance in a concert. NEVER! Ahh, i still feel like writing. The dance is still on. People are gonna push for the front. i'm standing right under AC, though i'm not at the front. I don't care. Hmm.. Lets hope Maliq FINALLY arrives now. This is just stupid. Anyway, today i realised my millon's already -

Ahhh they're here!!!! :D finally eh. They better be good.

Bacon Out. Hope you all have a good day. Keep smiling. Stop whining.

Legend by Legend, Note by Note: A Dramatic Commemoration to Michael Jackson, the King of Pop.

2009-06-26T22:01:00.001-07:00

(Stage lights on. Three legendary musicians are present on stage. John Lennon's on the right sitting down on a chair, smoking. Frank Sinatras smoking too, against the wall in the far back. Ludwig Beethoven is sitting down on the floor like a four-year old, reading pieces of leaves and paper. They are all in a special place, undefined, but it is clear that the stage is only meant for musical legends. A door rests in the back of the stage. A golden note falls from the top, gliding through the stage. Lennon notices.)

John: Oh no.

Frank: What is it Lennie?

John: Look. Up. Golden Note.

Frank: Someone's coming. Hey Beetie!

Ludwig: What?

Frank: Someone's coming!

Ludwig: Yesterday.

Frank: No - someone's coming!

Ludwih: Oh, okay. Two teaspoons yeah? And pump up the lemon! I don't wanna get sick again!

Frank: You idiot! - I said -

John: Shhh! You hear that?

(Both John and Frank attempt to listen. Ludwig's still playing with his leaves. An audible, unidentifiable music is played within the walls.)
John: It's music.

Frank: But it sounds strange, I don't hear any brass or bop-bop trumpets. Wait, did you hear that - Lennie, did you hear that? - I heard zapping!

John: And tapping.

Frank: And clapping.

Ludwig: And clapping.

Frank: That's what I said!

(The paper magically lands on John's hands. He reads it.)

John: "King of Pop".

Frank: Pop?

John: I guess the world's just lost another legend.

Frank: I guess so Lennie. You think he's hygienic?

John: There's some words but - I can't read it. Ludwig, have a go.

Ludwig: What?

John: Just - read the thing!

(John shoves the golden paper to Ludwig's face. Without hesitation Ludwig reads.)

Ludwig: "Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, died today after suffering what has been reported as a cardiac arrest. Jackson was 50. According to reports, Jackson was not breathing when paramedics were called to his Los Angeles home this afternoon, June 25th. Paramedics at the scene performed CPR on the singer, who was then transported to the UCLA Medical Center. Jackson arrived at the hospital in a deep coma; attempts to resuscitate him failed as he was completely unresponsive. He was declared dead."

John: Michael Jackson.

Frank: Sounds like a nice guy.

John: Look - he "died today after suffering what has been reported as a cardiac arrest".

Frank: Oh, what a beautiful way to die.

John: I agree. At least he didn't get shot five times. Having to drag myself to the concierge's desk shouting out "I'm shot!". They kept on asking "Do you know who you are". They didn't believe me.

Frank: I remember I kept on saying "I'm losing" when everyone tried to stabilise me after my heart attack. Life to me was a war I was living against my own problems. This is so much better.

Ludwig: At least you didn't die because of a stupid cold.

John: What?

Frank: What?

Ludwig: What?

(Awkward pause)

Frank: I feel sorry for everyone that's living. One by one, note by note, a legend dies and the world suddenly stops. No wonder we didn't hear any music, poor Mikey probably died that day.

John: Don't lose hope. Imagination's an infinite loop Frank. Legends are born everyday.

Frank: But what if there's none left? Legends are born everyday, but not every legend is given the gift to become one. Poverty, corruption, no opportunity. There's a certain absence in Life now and it's making me feel slightly glad that I've already died.

John: The world only spins forward Frank. It'll only get better.

Frank: I hope it does Lennie. Let's hope they learn from this. The living can only embrace so much.

(Ludwig suddenly stands up and shows a piece of leaf to John and Frank)

Ludwig: Look. "To Beethoven, your loss will no doubt make the world cry. But your music shall live forever, twilighted within souls, become the inspiration. Your music shall create the future. Farewell master, dated 1801"

John: Aha! See. Like I said Frank, The world only spins forward, and that was over two hundred years ago. The living lives on.

Frank: I guess you're right. Life isn't as stationary as people perceive it to be.

( The music starts playing again. This time more loud, with presence. The door opens and a tall figure wearing a shiny blazer with a skinny tie walks into the stage. He looks young, a perfect image as if he had never been touched by the dysfunctions of the living. The three legendary musicians welcome him warmly, John shakes his hand, Ludwig gives him a hug, Frank pats his back. Curtain closes. Stage lights out.)

Playing Ping-Pong after Transformers

2009-06-25T11:16:00.001-07:00

I'm browsing through my sms's. I gave my old phone to my cousin Septi, but I remembered saving messages on the phone. And so I tried to transfer it to my new one - there was no way I was gonna send it all to me, that would waste credit. So I decided to save some. This was before I watched Transformers right in the corner of the entire cinema. Diagram shown here.

See that mouse. That black part's the screen. Right up there in the corner. It was a stupid mistake really. I was meant to buy 4 tickets instead of 3 for my cousins. I left myself out. But nonetheless, didn't stop me from watching it. IT WAS AMAZING!

Today Sonnie left at 3 in the afternoon. I sms'd him one final time. I feel like storing all his sms's in this Icelandic folder. Wait - I should point out. I saw my friends Didit and Yeyen and they all asked me what I was writing, and I told them that I was writing down the sms's I saved.

Didit: How long are you gonna keep it for?

Pigar: Forever.

Didit: Forever. Wow.

Is it weird to save some sms's? I'm just looking at them now - it's amazing. Some of them are just ridiculously long. Some were really short and sweet, especially the ones that made my phone beep the whole time I was going to board the plane. That took me back. Actually that started the race of thought about many things that's been stuck in my mind for quite some time.

I think, because I've watched people divide love, or feelings, in front of me, I just absolutely hate it. And now it's come to have a go at me. I don't know what to do to be honest, it's become this mindful debate. I don't wanna do anything about it, because i'll know it won't be for the right and true reason. It won't be because of who she is, and I don't like that. I reckon everyone deserves a person who's got a clean heart, rid of any bruises, any living past. No one deserves a person who looks at you like you're someone else. What a silly way to fill some space. But then - you look at the other side of the pond and - "Why are you feeling this way then" - but then the other side pounces on - "if you're thinking like this now, imagine later on" - "You could be happy" - "You could really hurt yourself".

What a sad ping-pong match I'm playing.

Isrien's Quiz, Answered

2009-06-24T10:38:00.001-07:00

Ah - it's 12:06 in the morn. Don't believe the stupid Blogger clock. I have absolutely no idea how to change - someone help. But Isrien answered my call for late-night entertainment. Here it goes.

1. Your Middle Name:Asesani

2. Age: 18

3. Single or Taken: Single

4. Favourite Film: There's alot actually but - first comes to mind - Crash

5. Favourite Song or Album: The Great Work Begins (End Title) by Thomas Newman. His music makes me think deeper.

6. Favourite Band/Artist: Thomas Newman.

7. Dirty or Clean: Both? Clean toilets make my day, but I always Dirty up my room.

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings: Neither. Ew

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ? LJ...is that LiveJournal Isrien? Well i'll just say yes to that.

10. What's your philosophy on life? There's many. But my favourite would have to be the line Harper speaks softly on a night flight to San Francisco, against the skies as she watches batches of souls cover up the ozone layer. "Nothing's Lost Forever"

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty? Half-Full

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest? Nah. I think I've cleaned myself out in front of you Isrien.

13. What is your favorite memory of us? Seriously, I'll be dead honest: We were at Mackers, and I asked where your Adam's Apple was.

14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? Buying completely unnecessary things.

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you: I've only just realised this but - A cars' air-conditioning makes me sleepy. Guess that's my lullaby: cold wind.

16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?

1. Become an Australian Citizen

2. Travel around the world with a friend, finalists are you Isrien, William, Fariz, and Pasha.

3. Relive my years again so I can grow up with my parents.

17. Can we get together and make a cake? Sure. We've made Pizza before. Cake shouldn't be that hard. "SEPELE RIEN!"

18. Which country is your spiritual home? Well it truly depends on who's there. Spiritual.. Isrien..that's a hard one. I wanna live in Australia, but I want to achieve as an Indonesian.

19. What is your big weakness? Saying sorry to much. That's what my friend Sonnie said. But I think the ultimate weakness, is my inability to see the realities of things, thus resulting in a series of excessiveness. Optimism, seriously, Optimism is just another form of blindness.

20. Do you think I'm a good person? I think you're so good you should write a book about yourself so you'll inspire the world.

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school? Visual Arts and English. Essays, yummy.

22. Describe your accent: All my friends here says I've got an Australian accent, but I really can't hear it. I personally don't think I have an accent.

23. If you could change anything about me, would you? No. You're perfect just the way you are Isrien.

24. What do you wear to sleep? I've been wearing my Adidas gear lately to bed. It's amazing how smooth it feels inside.

25. Trousers or skirts? None. VESTS!

26. Cigarettes or alcohol? What a stupid question. If you know me then you'll know what my answer is.

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!) I would take you with me to Mascot so I can shout it all - right after we spend the morning watching the Korean Drama Full House.

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you? You wanna fill it out Isrien. Well I'm already reposting this on my blog - I'm sorry, this last question is confusing me.

---

Thanks Isrien. That was actually quite fun. Today was the Arisan! day. It was a success. We all ate, sang, danced - I think everyone had fun. And we took 497 photos of ourselves. That's crazy. I got to see Sonnie today for the last time - I gave him the Starbucks cup and the Scrapbook. See ya Sonnie, Man I'm gonna miss you. Like I wrote before, you're probably the greatest friend I'll ever have here in Indonesia. Thanks for keeping me company for the past weeks. That'll be it for the night. Tommorow's to-do: visit Gilang's to grab the video, tag all those bloody pictures on FB, and write all those notes and saved messages that's been left on my old mobile. I'm gonna give it to my cousin but - there's no way I'd leave those special texts behind. It's amazing isn't it? There's so many layers of history. Papers, letters and sms's. Alright, better go. Bacon out.

A Radio Conversation Between Two Broken Hearts

2009-06-23T09:32:00.001-07:00

(Click. Sound effects: tea poured into two cups. Sugar is served, spun and dissolved into the English Breakfast. Macy takes a sip. Ben takes a sip, but quickly puts the cup down on the table. She burnt her tongue)

Macy: You alright?

Ben: I just burnt my tongue.

Macy: I'm sorry - is it too -

Ben: I'm fine Macy. I'm fine.

Macy: Right.

(Ben takes another sip, this time more slow and patient)

Ben: So what happened after?

Macy: Well, I saw the picture. It was actually quite strange - I had a good day that day. Souls in sight, I saw my newfound friends. They came over and we made this colourful collage, filled with friends and funny faces, tickets of movies that we've watched two times, places, spaces, all sorts Ben.

Ben: A day of no conflict. What a treasure nowadays.

Macy: And then - I saw the picture. And then I died again, slowly sinking to the floor, no dignity, no presence of prosperity, the purest form of heart break.

Ben: Nothing you haven't felt before.

Macy: Yes I know that. I'm not surprised at what I'm feeling. I'm surprised at its repeating arrival. It's been far too long. But I try Ben. I try to say goodbye.

Ben: So what? Deal with it. I told you Macy. Love just leaves you bruised.

(Ben takes a sip and continues his speech)

Ben: So bruised you think it covers all of you. Everything, tip to toe, full frontal. What are we to do when it all punches us in the face so perfectly against our only skin, that we're left with this beautiful, tragic mark? I'm so sick of this scab.

Macy: But I thought u were interested in someone new?

Ben: I am. And she's beautiful and pretty and smart, good company, works really hard. And you know how I love chasing -

Macy: right.

Ben: And I really want to just, go after her y'know? We've been contacting each other everyday recently, and I like it. I like her. I want to start running.

Macy: So start -

Ben: But I can't! I can't. It's like what you said, I'm still frozen.

(They both take a sip of their tea.)

Macy: Nothing's changed.

Ben: Nope. Nothing. Nought.

(Ben takes a final sip. He sighs, and puts his tea down for good)

Ben: Well I guess that's settled then.

Macy: I guess. We're still in love with the same person.

(Click.)

More Human

2009-06-20T08:36:00.001-07:00

It will end like this..

The exchange student receives a call. His friend, a bright young girl who's in love with him, is serving two cups of tea, one sweet, one bitter, to the table. Over upstairs in the young girls' room, a diary spreads two pages, dated between her eight-month anniversary and her parents' divorce: it was him all along. "Where are you going?" She says. "I'm going back home. Back -I'm going back."

Three days later and in the entrance of the international airport, the young girl runs up to his gate, only to find nothing. Inside the aeroplane, the exchange student is crying, grieving over the death of his only father.

The girls' best friend pushes, and pushes. She becomes the mother of a newborn daughter. She turns seventeen in August, just a month after her final exams. Her small, strange, faith-lacking but mature classmate carries her up to recite the Azan.

She arrives home red-eyed. The driver still awaits for more travels. She walks up to her room and enters. She immediately takes out his copy of Takk.. and kneels on the ground. Her sister watches the bright young girl lose her first true love.

---

That's gonna be the season finale. I've got this idea for a TV serial, the first season, fourteen episodes. And this is the end.

There's not much to say about what I did. It's more about what I'm thinking now. I'm really scared. Death has never gone this close to me before, and - to be honest, It makes me miss my friends from Australia even more. I've heard, we're not meant to be afraid of death? We're not meant to cry when someone's passed away because - it means you're disagreeing with His choice, his endings.
Well to me - I'm quite scared. Not of what it is, not of what it does, but how it affects people. People like me. I don't think I can handle death. But the people that can -

The people that have to - that in their own story, experience the inevitable-

They are more human and stronger than any of us. And to think - everyday The End takes place every second, minute, hour. Do you reckon we can still cope with its' infinite weight? 'Cause I reckon, I reckon we've all got a limit. Which is why ignorance was born.

An Amateur Dramatic Appreciation of M.I.A (written in two hours)

2009-06-19T11:39:00.001-07:00

(Stage lights on. Thick green grass arise from the floor. In the background, a footage of pigs in various farms is screened. It is 10 o'clock in the evening, and three female singers named Maddy, Isabelle, and Alice (or M.I.A for short) stand in the middle of a backyard, holding hands as if they had been friends by letter all their lives. Each are holding a peculiar item, except for Alice: Mille and her bottle of Jim Bean Whiskey, Isabelle and her black Ray Ban shades. Alice was meant to bring a dark vest by Mr.David but purposely ignored the calling. A giant wardrobe made out of ancient wood, carved with Tamil edgings, stand tall (behind the three. M.I.A are waiting for the wardrobe to release the man of their dreams. Some reference to the unique phonetics of the Tamil are present. They start to speak, reciting a systematic piece of lyrics)

M: Whistle.

I: Whistle.

A: Blow.

M: Blow.

I: Here we -

A: Here we -

M: Go. Go.

I: Time and time and time and time again -

M: You keep pushing me, what are you saying -

A: Are you coming, are you going, are you leaving, are you staying -

I: Pushing.

M: Planes.

A: Total fuckin' pussy.

(Isabelle and Maddy jerks and release their hands from each other. Alice stands still while their face becomes completely filled with unpredictable shock)

M: What on earth -

I: - have you done!?

M: You weren't meant to say that. Why couldn't you have just said -

A: I can say what I want.

M: Rubbish!

I: Poppycock!

A: Bullshit, Shitface, Lord Jesus - yeah watever.

M: The pigs won't be too happy with this. We were summoned to persuade him. We were summoned to sing his favourite art.

I: That's right. They've been preparing us for this very moment. And now you've just ruined it for the three of us! Enjoying this Alice? He's never gonna come now. Thanks to you, the pigs can never be happy.

A: Be Happy? None of them can ever be happy. And now we'll be destined to stay here like useless music tapes forever, repeating the same lyrics, the same triplet of words. No wonder he never comes outta there: The amount of predictability in this place - FUCK!

M: But that's all we know! The pigs told us: In the beginning, you start the motor, the realisation - and then feelings show, subtle movements slide through the open air. Vulnerability kicks in and then we start the move - the confession, the initiation. Paper planes suddenly fly through the stars and suddenly it'll be the new year! And then - and then -

I: And then it's 92, the favourite year. MP3 turns into AAC, and the three of us push through the "No", keeping at it, moving closer like there's nothing left between us. And then we bring these, these landmarks, symbols of particles within the time continuum. The smell of whiskey, the sight of Ray Bans, and the - Alice where's the vest!

A: I didn't bring it.

(Isabelle gasps. Maddy covers her face, teary-eyed, her hands shaking)

I: Alice! Why didn't you bring it! We need the vest to lure him! That's how the pigs did it Alice! That's how the pigs did it!

A: No, no - look Isabelle. Look at it! The door's shut now- he closed it ever since we celebrated his fuckin' birthday. That day when he listened to their song and all hell broke loose, the pigs started crying, wailing with the refugees, creating useless rain which flooded the villages. This isn't gonna work.

M: Why can't you just follow them Alice?

(Isabelle looks at the lights above and observes the shadows to figure out the time)

I: Okay it's half past eleven. "No" hasn't started yet. I'm gonna go back to the village to grab the vest.

A: Seriously?

M: I'll come with you.

I: Great. Alice, stay here - maybe we can still fix this.

(Both Isabelle and Maddy leave the backyard. Leaving Alice alone with the Tamil wardrobe. Alice turns to the wardcrobe.)

A: You. I know. I know what really happened. I know why you made the pigs cry - all they ever did was appreciate you, be around, come around, turn around at the minute sight and sound of you. They've done nothing wrong -

(Alice touches the wardrobe door)

A: They've done nothing wrong.

(Stage lights out)

Bartlett deserved better

2009-06-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Charlie Bartlett deserved better. Seriously, I watched the movie and yeah - it wasn't bad. The story was quite interesting, quite quirky, but I think what really stood out were the characters. The way they progressed the Dad's presence - I really liked that. And that scene with the pistol, Robert Downey Jnr. really is such a great actor. But it was Charlie's character which I really liked. His funny confidence, his good-heartedness. He didn't feel like a rebel to me. I don't know why they promoted the character that way. Charlie was played by that same Russian guy from Star Trek. He's pretty cool too.

But the character deserved better. He's just a kid though isn't he? I guess we all need to be kids at some point in our lives. I'm pretty sure I got the chance to be a kid, I still act kiddish nowadays even. I think him and I are both similar in that, well I try to help everyone out as much as possible. I don't think I'd go to his extreme, I don't think I'm quite good at solving people's problems. But I wish I could. My ears are quite long-lasting and patient.

I feel like writing giving him a better story, one that didn't focus on his so-called "rebellion". The story just didn't do him justice. I'll put him into a better one. I can do that right? I mean, if Tom Stoppard can do that, why can't I?

Ciawi Hospital

2009-06-17T08:58:00.001-07:00

Now Playing: Omoide wa Tooku no Hibi by Tenmon

Look at what I wrote. That was at the Ciawi Hospital, I was sitting outside because I just couldn't take it sitting down not doing anything inside their worn-down wards. My aunt, Tante Nanik and her two girls Cynthia and Kirana caught Demam Berdarah or Dengue Fever. I just Wiki'd that.

It was actually quite sad to see them. They were okay. Tante Nanik looked abit worse, but they were all fine. My mum and arrived at the hospital at around 10 in the morn and stayed there 'til around 8 at night. Yeah, it was a long time - but I didn't mind it though. In the beginning they were separated, Tante Nanik in one room, the two girls with Om Bambang in the other side of the entire complex. But at 5 they reunited.

That was quite a sight. You should've seen my aunt, she wanted to see her two kids no matter what. And she was so weak, and pale, and really tired and sick because of the fever. But as soon as she entered the room. Kirana was lying down on her bed, almost in a fetal position. And my aunt - the way she talked to Kirana, the way she comforted her. She spoke softly, she spoke as if she was rid of any illness. She spoke so motherly.

You know that feeling, when you experience something new, a new sound, a new picture. That's what it felt like today, seeing my aunt just comfort her own daughter like that. It felt new to me.

I grew up without my dad and mum. They were there through sms's and Skype and phone calls. But they were never actually there with me. But it's not their fault - they made a huge sacrifice in order to have me study in Australia and finish my secondary education there. But I didn't grow up with my mum and dad with me. Which, I'll admit - is quite upsetting. If your mum was there to give you advice on your life, if your dad was there to cheer you up when you failed that darn economics exam, if any of your parents were there when you grew up, you're pretty lucky. Because, some people didn't that chance. So don't take it for granted.

A Trip to U.I

2009-06-16T18:43:00.001-07:00

Now Playing: Labor Of Love by Michael Giacchino, Star Trek Soundtrack

I went over to Jakarta yesterday. Firstly with Scanur, Didit, Yeyen and Febri. That's them over there. The trainride was surprisingly quick. We went there but something happened - we went to the wrong place or something - so it was really a complete waste of time. Yeyen wanted to go home 'cause she's headed over to Bandung tommorow and wanted to bake some cookies. Didit and Febri needed to go back to Bogor, to IPB Darmaga. I did not want to go back, no way - Svanur didn't want to either. So we all went to the train station on eihter side. We caught the next train towards Jakarta. Of course, none of us had absolutely NO idea where we were going.

I don't know my way around Jakarta. And Svanur doesn't too. I mean - we've all been to Jakarta, at least some parts of it, but I always went with my dad and so I've never really been out in that god-foresaken urban jungle by myself before. And - I think Svanur wasn't allowed to go there without someone who knew Jakarta well. God that city's awful.

After the train - we took the busway. I can remember busway stops stationed all around so, logically you'd go on it and stop a station you've seen before, right? right? Well we caught the station, all the way up to Surdirman. Where I saw the Fx Lounge Mall.

"Hey, I know that place! We're going there!"

We just wanted food to be honest. We entered inside and before lunch, we saw a nearby shop that was selling books at a pretty reasonable price. I bought two books:

1. The Ventriloquist's Tale by Pauline Melville

2. East of the Mountains by David Guterson

I do intend to read them. Right after I finish this small but really hard book called The Seducers' Diary. It's really hard because it was like written in the 18th Century I think, and the translation and - the advanced vocab - anyway.

Everything in Fx is expensive. The kind of expensive that makes you feel depressed when you look at the -

Shit. I have to go. I'm headed over to Ciawi to see my aunt. The driver's here. I'll keep it uber-short. Basically it's expensive, but we found a quiet restaurant to have some pasta and ice-cream. And it was a special promo at only (only?) Rp 50,000. How did we get home? We retraced our footsteps. Buswayed to Kota and caught the Pakuan to Bogor. Of course, we didn't get a seat on the train. No, we were indonesian enough to buy some newspaper, put it on the ground, and sit against the train door, arriving in Bogor at around 6:30. We left at 4:45.

Far

2009-06-16T10:30:00.001-07:00

Now playing: Summer In The City by Regina Spektor

I'm sorry about that. I received an sms. I got the message on my FaceBook. Someone's passed away. I don't really wanna write the details here.

You know, I learnt over here in Indonesia that in the Islamic religion, whenever they hear of someone's passing, or of one's death, we immediately say something - And I feel quite disappointed in myself for not knowing what it is or how to say it.

I feel shit. I feel shit for not being there. The worst possible perspective you could ever experience, is the one where you're far away from everyone that's important to you. And you just watch them - from the faraway land, blurry eyed and hands shaking. What're you left with? There's no stopping with the distance, it'll stay there - fixed and rigid.

News spread quickly nowadays, I know that for sure. I guess that's one half of the process finished. But what about the part after that? The part where you're meant to see them, give them a hug, your eyes watery, your hands cold but warm with love. What about the part where you go to her, look her in the eye and tell her everything's okay? What happens to the part where you promised that you were gonna be there if anything happens?

It all rots out into the ground and makes the soil muddy. The rain makes you sick. There's no such thing as clean water. That's where it all goes, the hug, the watery eyes, any sense of presence.

I want to write to her - But I'm afraid to. But I'll try - I'll try.

'Cause when you're seeing the people important to you from far away, the closest thing you can do, is have faith. Faith that through your notes, your letters, your efforts - they'll listen.

Faith. Faith they'll listen.

Untitled

2009-06-16T10:02:00.001-07:00

(silence)

...

:(

Post-Midnight Tuning on the 16.06.09

2009-06-16T09:02:00.001-07:00

(This post was actually written on the 16th from 12:48AM, but - as noted below, we haven't paid the internet bill yet. When we give the dough, You'll know)

1.Inní mér syngur vitleysingur - Sigur Ros

I'm using my iPod Shuffle. I kinda miss pressing the buttons. I can't sleep yet. I woke up really late today, at around 10 in the morning. I'll probably go sleep after this. I felt like writing to you because - I think I'm starting to enjoy writing on this blog.

It's quite nice, I'll admit - but then again, I absolutely love writing on anything. I think that's why I've got a journal and a blog here. Hm, next song -

2. Growing Up Beside You - Paolo Nutini

I watched Star Trek again today. Yeah, again. It's such a good movie though! Paolo Nutini is a brilliant artist, I don't know why I didn't hear about him earlier. That's the thing with music isn't it? I mean - I'm always trying to find new music to listen to. I listen to quite a range of music actually. I love all sorts; Classical, Soundtrack scores, Jazz, Rock, Hip-Hop/R&B, Electronic and Dance, Soul - I couldn't handle heavy metal rock, the screaming kind. That just..scared me.

3. The Nearness of You - Norah Jones

I wrote four letters today. I'm gonna send them tommorow. God I hope it gets sent safely. Sometimes I get so worried by them. But they're very exciting, once I lick the envelope shut my mind starts racing, running to the part where they'd open it to see what's inside. I do that ALL the time, an imaginary plan or future. I hope they get it. Good gracious God I hope they get it.

4. Isobel - Bjork

Speaking of Bjork, Svanur said something that was very profound, so profound that I wrote it in a piece of paper so I wouldn't forget it. It was such a good line. I told him I'll definitely put that into one of my something's but he only wanted to make sure I quoted him. I will, I will I promise. This song is so slow moving - Skip.

5. Why Georgia - John Mayer

I don't actually have the original record. This one's the live version off Mayers' "Where the Light is" album. It's a pretty good song, album too. I realise now, this Blog is good because I can write alot more easier. I can waste time and ramble on about music, exactly what I'm doing now. I could do it on my journal, I actually kinda miss it, now I wanna write on it. But I think I'll be able to make time for both. One day this, one day that. The past few days have been Blogger's turn. Tommorow I'll write on my journal. Haha, I just remembered - I'm following John Mayer on Twitter. At least I think it's him, yeah it is him - he's got that blue-tick badge beside his name. "Verified Account", yeah - that's him.

6. Shove it - Santogold (Santigold now) Featuring Spank Rock

The beginning. That's the only part I like. Skip -

7. Love at First Sight - Kylie Minogue

This song is old. Do you remember the music video? The squares, semi-futuristic clothing. The background dancing was pretty unusual too, minimalistic but - worked well. And she had that orange thing on her arm? I can't remember. I wanna check it on YouTube now, see if I got it right but - we haven't paid the internet bill so they've cut us off. Bitches. Skip

8. Wild Young Hearts - The Noisettes

Excuse me.

9. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

Skip -

10. End Theme - Tenmon

Skip -

11. Life in Technicolour II - Coldplay

"Now my feet won't touch the ground" - Skip -

12. Nemo Egg (Main Title) - Thomas Newman

Ahh..I think this will be my last song. The trackpad on my Mac just momentarily died on me...but it came alive. Scary. But this song makes it all sound soothing. Thomas Newman, I have to say, is my most favourite composer. I just repeated the song again. It's so good! Ever since I listened to his score for American Beauty, especially the title track, I've been listening to him ever since. I don't understand why he hasn't received an Oscar yet. Far out.

13. Sunday Morning - Maroon 5

Okay this is my last song. *sigh* I gotta wake up early tommorow. I'm headed to Depok with Yeyen, Febri, Didit and Svanur. Goodnight!

The Second

2009-06-14T21:31:00.001-07:00

Now Playing - Heart of Life, John Mayer

Mornings. I usually feel like writing during the morn. Maybe it's got to do with the sun, or the start of the day. I woke up at a very late time of 10:30. But it's okay, I'm on holidays, stil, after what - seven or eight months? I feel like writing on my journal too, this exchange is making me slightly guilty for some reason.

I've got a journal. I've been writing in journals for a long time now, over two years. It all started when my roomate's friend gave me a Moleskine Journal for my birthday two years ago. And I kept on writing. I've written so much I reckon. I don't write about people, I don't like that - it's mostly all about me.

And you know I don't mind writing. Journals have a way keeping me sane. I think we all live such a busy life, that we rarely get the chance to stand still, watch everything pass you by, and reflect about things. The world spins too quickly, we all need time to freeze and breathe.

But now - now that I've got a blog. It all feels abit strange. I don't think I'll be as - i dunno - truthful? No that's not it. This is the thing with blogging - you really have to set your conditions straight in order to make it work.

This is all to an extent isn't it? I think so. You're all probably getting to know me as much as I'm trying to get to know this blog. This is just like what happened with my journal. Something I have to get used to I guess.

OMG, I'm a Shredded Beef!

2009-06-14T11:05:00.001-07:00

So It's late at night. Just after one in the morning. My mum and dad are awake and we decided to google my name and then out came -

DAGUPAN CITY -- Pigar-pigar, a food delicacy very popular in this city second to Bonuan bangus, took center stage Saturday afternoon through the Pigar-Pigar Festival.

Pigar-pigar is a thinly sliced beef or carabeef seasoned plainly with salt and pepper cooked deep-fry. It is garnished with onion rings before it is served. Add-ons, depending on the preference of the customers, are sliced cabbage, cauliflower, or broccoli. It is a unique Dagupan concoction. It can be a viand (ulam) or a pulutan.

"The Manny Pacquiao Blog". Click here for stories and updates on the Filipino boxing champ.

The stretch of Galvan street where pigar-pigar stalls are lined up was spruced up and closed to tricycle and other vehicles. The stall owners gamely sent representatives to the different competitions.

Vice Mayor Belen Fernandez, Bangus Festival chairperson, said she is very happy with the cooperation and enthusiasm of the stall owners. She told them that the city will prepare a bigger pigar-pigar festival in next year's Bangus Festival.

Winners in the different competitions were Christine Mae Reyes (Best Stall Design), Rommel Cerezo (Cleanest Stall), Marites de Guzman (Best Mixture), Rex Dizo (Best Pigar-Pigar Chopper), Mikee Cabingas (singing contest champion), and Christine Mae Reyes (dance contest champion).

Pigar-pigar started sometime in 1985 by Ilumenada "Lumeng" Orata near the public market's meat section. The name of their stall that was carried by the family until today is "Aying's Pigar-pigar."

Ferdinand Orata, Lumeng's son who is attending to their business now together with his sister Teresita, narrated that their mother's business then was simply selling coffee in the evening until dawn. They use firewood in cooking as compared the liquefied petroleum gas (LPG) being used now.

Among their regular customers when they were just starting their pigar-pigar business were the late veteran journalist Manny Vent Cornel and Mayor Alipio Fernandez Jr.

That started the pigar-pigar businesses at Galvan street. It grew so popular that it became a "must-try" food when in the city. The number of pigar-pigar stalls also grew to about 15 now.

Being served is carabeef (they mix liver if the customer requests so). It is not only cheaper to that of beef, but it also tastes better.

Teresita said their average sales every night before was P2,000, half of which go to the salary of the helpers. The peak seasons even today are in the months of April and December. During rainy season, the customers order for takeout.

The stalls now start to set up their tables and chairs along Galvan Street at 5 p.m. They are open until about 4 a.m.

Ferdinand said they dispose a daily average of 30 kilos of carabeef a day. A one-fourth kilo of pigar-pigar costs P60, one-half kilo is P120, while a kilo of pigar-pigar costs P240. A side order of cabbage, broccoli, or cauliflower (mixed with the pigar-pigar) costs P10 up.

Meanwhile, Vice Mayor Fernandez earlier said more hygienic and appetizing pigar-pigar will now be enjoyed by Dagupeños and tourists.

The key departments of the city have vowed to work closely to transform the pigar-pigar stalls operating in the street shoulders and sidewalk of Galvan into highly maintained eateries.

"We will not tolerate unhealthy food-handling practices and will not allow food poisoning incidents to arise," said City Health Officer Leonard Carbonell.

A joint initiative of the city's health, engineering, public order and safety, market division, waste management, anti-littering and marshal departments, the team has started monitoring and regulating operations of all pigar-pigar caterers, reinforcing the provisions of the existing pigar-pigar ordinance.

"The city will ensure that only delectable yet safe food, orderly and convenient environment, efficient services, accessible facilities, and well-trained and properly groomed food attendants will be rendered by operators," the vice mayor said. (LCMY/Sunnex)

Chinese Yoghurt Tea

2009-06-14T09:47:00.001-07:00

"Hi, yeah - one Ice Tea Lemonade please. Yep, Venti"

Starbucks. Bogor Starbucks, Botani Square to be geographicaly precise. I like hanging out there. I'll be honest - the first few months of me staying here, Starbucks was my sanctuary, my homely tent woven with waiters who spoke english and english breakfast tea. Everyday i'd go there, with The Jakarta Post on one hand and a my journal on the other. And then I'd order the usual, Ice Tea Lemonade, venti, sit down, and read, or write. For around three hours. Everyday. For two months.

Sounds pretty lonely right? Well, I didn't have any friends, and they spoke english here so I felt pretty comfortable. And those super-massive lounge chairs almost feels like a bed. But yeah - I like going to Starbucks. Really is a place to cozy up and read a book, or watch the people pass by you, or write in your daily ritual. The people who work there know my name too, so I guess you could say I'm a regular. I wasn't a regular in Starbucks in Australia though - hmm.

Today I went to Starbucks. But I wasn't alone. Thank god.

That's Svanur, Dita, and Me. Didit was also there. She's the one that took that absolutely author-back-of-the-book worthy portrait of Dita in the middle there. Doesn't it look beautiful? Svanur's on student exchange here and he's from Iceland. Apparently the best country in the world. I'd like to see for myself. Dita and Didit are returnees of Student Exchange, they went to America last year and I met them (and Svanur too) whilst volunteering for AFS, the Student Exchange group. I'm so glad I volunteered.

We ordered our drinks and sat down. You all have to remember though, the Starbucks here is completely different to the Starbucks you'd expect to see in Australia. First of all, how much do coffee or icy drinks cost over there? Five or six bucks? Well, directly translate that into Indonesian Rupiah currency and you've got a pretty good idea of how much they cost. So that's around Rp 30,000 or so. Is that expensive? Well, that's abit relative really. Let's put it into context.

Movie tickets cost Rp 15,000

A decent meal with drinks and dessert for around Rp 25,000
You could probably get the same Ice Lemon Tea or around Rp, 8,500 in good off-the-street warungs

So yeah. You could say it's expensive. But to me personally, it isn't. Though the Movie Ticket comparison - that's abit discomforting. Still, we sat, and chat, and had a nice time talking about our favourite books. But we were hungry so -

Again, Didit took the pictures. You know I have to say, I get the feeling she really enjoys taking pictures. She was going for it non-stop. We had Chinese a few stores to the left of Starbucks. It was nice to drink that same Tea you'd always get over at Yum Cha in Sydney. Oh Yum Cha, how I miss your bitter, leafy tea. I ordered some Chicken marinated with Butter Sauce, and I can't remember what the others had. But Svanur and I wanted dessert - and the restaurant didn't serve any. So we headed for Yoghurt.

Man..this is a long entry. Didit again did the honours. There's me ordering the fruit yoghurt that was suggested by Dita. I had some with strawberry and kiwi topping. Svanur had the same, except bigger and with oreos. I'll just tell you now - IT WAS DELICIOUS!

There's Didit! She went to Alaska you know? She got to see snow, which..i'm pretty jealous of. I would really love to see snow, I think I will go to Iceland after all this. It's close to Germany, right? Anyway that's what I did today. Before I was always Starbuck-ing but now - thanks to my new found friends, I'm keeping myself alot more busy now. But I can't help but wonder - What's Australia up to?

I'm following Kevin Rudd on Twitter. Maybe that'll help.

Have you listened to Paolo Nutini? I'm listening to his hit "New Shoes". You all should limewire/torrent/buy his record. The longevity of this entry is probably due to my "honeymoon" period with blogging. Next time, I'll be more succint.

Bacon out.

The First

2009-06-13T18:53:00.001-07:00

Now Playing: New Shoes - Paolo Nutini

Right. This is what a blog's like eh? Well, I'll be honest. I really hate the layout Blogger offers, they all look so mundane and boring. I'd like to have my own but I absolutely have no idea about HTML and all that web-lingo. Still, if it means learning about it in order to make a new one. But I recently emailed my friends Pasha and Isrien calling out for help with this. Blogging..it really isn't for everyone.

But I'm willing to try it out.

Do I have to introduce myself? I don't think anyone will be reading this, there's no way this blog will be in the spotlight anytime soon. But I guess I should shouldn't I?

Personal Dossier (version 1.2.3.4.5b)

The name's Pigar Mahdar. It's unusual, (don't worry, I get that alot) but it's nonetheless me. I'm right now living in Bogor, Indonesia. Close to Jakarta, dangerously close actually - I've been living here since the 8th of February. I live with my mum and dad now (about time) and I'm starting to know my own country. I've never lived here before, heck, I wouldn't want to at first. Before Indonesia, there was Australia.

I still call Australia home? Yeah, you could say that. But my passport says otherwise.

My sister lives there, Australia I mean, with her husband of - one year I think - and her daughter Audria who's one year and abit too, Same age as their marriage. Nice.

My mum's a retired-to-be Lecturer. My dad's a retired-to-be Environmental Superintendent. I'm 18, finished school at Randwick Boys' (Hello if you go to school there!!) and I'm going to study International Business at BINUS International in Jakarta. That's all the way in September though, and I'm totally scared of it. But I'll let you know how it goes. :)

That's enough for now. You'll get to know me as this blog deepens up and gets clogged by posts, little notes, and boredom-fillers.

Right now I gotta go eat breakfast. It's quarter to nine, and I've got an AFS meeting at ten. Bahasa-dubbed Power Rangers is on. I used to love their show, but now I've realised just how systematic the plotlines are. Still, it's not stopping me from watching the show. Svanur's coming soon. Who's Svanur? Argh, I'll tell you later! I'll leave you now with the opening lyrics of Goldfrapp's A&E. I only just listened to their music. Late..once again.

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain has started to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward, it's shining
Think I want you still, but it may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you when I'm crawling out that door
I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do
Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I'd woken up surrounded by me
A&E